


Ignosce Mihi

by general_fux



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drunk Sex, M/M, Masturbation, Priest Kink, exhibitionism mention, im going to hell, kylo gets smashed, kylo tries but damn, priest kylo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-12 13:40:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7107172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/general_fux/pseuds/general_fux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo originally became a priest as a desperate last attempt to not get cut off financially from his family, but found that he actually enjoys his new life and is willing to try to stick with it. Until Hux.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything Is Going To Be Just Fine

**Author's Note:**

> So this is set in the same AU that my other priest!Kylo fic, [Bless Me Father](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6751606), is. this first chapter sets things up; the true smut comes in next time ;) 
> 
> i am very obviously not a priest and i googled some things and others...well...im wingin it.

The Church had been his last option: Han had threatened to cut him off from the family if he didn't “clean up his act,” so here he was. While Kylo would have loved to leave that house and never have to deal with his family again, he knew it would be Hell on Earth if he were cut off financially. He had worked part time as a bus boy at several diners, but it wouldn't be enough to support himself if Han and Leia stopped sending him money every month.

Becoming a priest seemed like the perfect opportunity. He would have a place to live, food, clothes, and he would be paid a decent salary. And for what? Reading out of a book every other Sunday, manning the confessional booth, and occasionally going to read old dying folks their last rites. 

It seemed like the best option. 

Sure, he had to cover his tattoos, remove any visible piercings, and tie back his hair. And yeah, he had to stop drinking heavily and going to parties and fucking (or being fucked by) strange men in grimy bathroom stalls. And he had to go to a special school to receive a priest's education. 

So maybe it wasn't the _best_ option, but it was better than being shipped off to the military like his father wanted. 

And he found, after finally graduating, that there was...a certain comfort in this. He hadn't expected to feel as good as he did after helping the people he did in his volunteer work. It was strange. He found himself reading – no, _re_ -reading – the Bible before bed, or during his free time in between classes. Personally, he had never really liked the Bible in terms of reading it as a religious text; it seemed much more interesting to read it simply as a collection of fictional stories. He was surprised when he began to think of passages in his daily life, and found a strange comfort in applying them to stressful situations.

He was beginning to think that maybe he really _could_ be a priest, and that maybe he could actually _enjoy_ it. 

There was a strange sense of pride when he was assigned his first position as priest in the local church. He had done it. It had started as a desperate attempt not to get cut off financially and to not get shipped away, but there was something else to it now. He'd found meaning in the texts and a purpose in his life; he felt now that he really was more than a just bus boy with little self control.

Until his first sermon.

It was a perfect day in mid June: the sky was clear and it was a balmy 75 degrees out, and Kylo had taken that as a sign that everything was going to be okay. He stood outside of the church and watched as people passed him by; he smiled and welcomed them, hands folded in front as he thumbed nervously at the beads of his rosary. 

He could feel the weight of his pocket Bible in his robes and he had everything prepared. Everything was going just fine. Everything was going _to be_ just fine.

He wasn't entirely sure what it was about the man that caught his attention. Several other red heads had passed him by and he'd paid them just as much attention as he had everybody else.

Maybe it was the fact that he was obviously alone among the throngs of families and couples. Or the way he walked, with his chin held up and his eyes – Kylo could see they were a stunning green even from a distance – focused straight ahead rather than at the ground. Or maybe it was his face, with his pronounced cheekbones and plush lips and – 

“Good morning, Father.” 

Kylo blinked and there he was. Standing in front of him, just a couple inches shorter and quite slight in build. His eyes were as green as he thought they were, and his lashes orange, just like his hair. Boy, his hair was orange. Kylo wondered briefly if he dyed it to get it that vibrant.

He swallowed, shifting on his feet. “Good morning. It's a beautiful day already, isn't it?”

The man's eyes flicked over Kylo's form. “Yes, beautiful. I take it you're a newly ordained priest? I haven't seen you around this church before.”

Kylo smiled briefly at a passing elderly couple before returning his attention to the red head. “Yes, I am...and this is my first time giving a sermon.”

“Are you nervous?”

“A bit.”

The man's gaze was intense, and Kylo felt his hands tighten on the rosary. He fought the urge to break eye contact; there was something in the other man's eyes that kept him from looking away. 

“Well, I'm sure you will be just splendid.”

He started to move to walk away, and before he could stop himself Kylo found his hand wrapped around the man's bicep. 

“Excuse me, do you mind if I ask your name?”

The man's eyes flitted down to Kylo's hand, which nearly did wrap around the circumference of his arm. “Not at all.” When he looked back up at Kylo, the other suppressed the shiver threatening to wrack his spine. “Hux. You can call me Hux.”

Kylo nodded, releasing Hux's arm a bit more abruptly than he meant to. “Thank you, um...Hux.”

“Of course.”

He watched as Hux gave him a final nod before making his way into the church. Most everybody was inside, save for Kylo and a few stragglers. He took a deep breath, wiped his hands on his robes, and turned to follow.

_Everything is going to be just fine._

-

Kylo was still breathing heavily as he shut the door to his quarters as gently as he could. He immediately began to disrobe, his skin feeling far too hot beneath the layers. His undershirt snagged on one of his nipple piercings and he hissed. He knew he wasn't supposed to still have them but they were never seen, so there couldn't be any harm in them being his little secret.

Moving to the small bathroom, he snapped on the water, immediately splashing his face and dragging his hands over his neck to wash away the make up he had used to cover the tattoos that would show above his collar. He then moved to his arms, scrubbing almost viciously at the make up there as well. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he stopped every now and again to wipe them away before continuing to clean himself.

Finally he stopped, leaning over the counter with his head down and his hands gripping the edge of the sink. He stayed there for several minutes, trying to steady his breathing and to will away the heat that had built in his lower belly. 

Eyes closed, he reached hesitantly down, grazing his hands over his briefs. He let out a whimper when he felt his erection, still pressing as insistently against the fabric as it had been when...when Hux had....

He moaned, walking out of the bathroom to flop back onto the bed. He lay there, staring at the ceiling and trying to think of anything but how desperately he wanted to touch himself. To just get off and stop this horrible feeling. It was wrong, it was so wrong, he shouldn't feel this way; he was a priest and priests were better than this. Priests were _above_ this. He had left this shit behind in his old life. 

It had been a touch. That was it. That was all it took to apparently set Kylo's dick straight to attention....Though it _had_ been years since he'd been touched in any remotely intimate way. 

Hux had been watching him intently the entire sermon. As soon as he had stepped up to the podium, Kylo saw him: that bright orange hair stood out like a beacon. His throat had tightened when he made eye contact with him, but he took a deep breath and began to speak anyways.

It went as well as he had hoped. He stumbled every now and again, would apologize, and smile shyly when people would laugh at his poking fun at himself. Pretty soon he fell into a steady rhythm, the words flowing more freely and the waver fading from his voice.

Every now and again he would glance at Hux, and feel his heart skip a beat. Everyone was watching him, yes, but there was something different in the way the ginger was. Even from a distance Kylo could see that the look in his eyes was out of place among the other churchgoers. He would tilt his head slightly and that was all it took for Kylo to look away, the lightest of flushes creeping up above his collar. 

When he finally finished, a wave of relief coursed through Kylo. He stood off to the side of the door once again, bidding people farewell and thanking them for their time and donations. Many of them congratulated him, saying they couldn't wait for next week and hearing him again. 

Everything was going to be just fine.

Nearly everybody had left the church, and Kylo watched the last of them leave with a small smile threatening to break out on his face. Once the church doors had shut, he let himself smile, heaving out a relieved sigh.

The smile faded as he turned to make his way to the podium to gather his papers and close the Bible that rested there.

Still sitting in the same spot he had been the entire time was Hux. He was facing away from Kylo, head turned up to look at the stained glass windows to his left. 

Swallowing, Kylo gripped his rosary harder and began to make his way over.

“Is there anything I can help you with?” he managed once he was standing just a few feet away. 

Hux continued to stare for several more seconds before finally turning to look at Kylo. He stood rather abruptly, and the priest moved back a step despite himself.

“I was just thinking, is all.”

“Do you mind if I ask about...what? You looked rather deep in thought.”

“Nothing really. Just you.”

Kylo shifted, feeling his heart rate pick up. “Me?”

“Yes. Do you have tattoos all over your body or just on your arms and neck?”

“Excuse me?”

Hux stepped forward, and Kylo willed himself not to move, watching as the man brought his thumb to his mouth and sucked it for a moment, his lips an absolutely sinful sight as they puckered around the digit. Then he reached out and swiped it across Kylo's neck, just above his collar. When he brought it back to examine, he nodded. Holding it out to show Kylo, the priest saw the smudge of make up on the pad.

“Your foundation isn't the same shade as your skin, I'm afraid. Close, but not quite. I can see it on your wrists as well.”

There was a flush across his cheeks now, he could feel them burning. “Really?” he said, his voice barely cracking. How fucking embarrassing.

Hux nodded again, wiping his thumb against his other palm. “I doubt anyone else noticed.”

“Just you.”

His head was down, but the green eyes flicked up, the orange of his lashes contrasting rather nicely against them. 

“What do you...do, if you don't mind me asking?” Kylo murmured, wringing his hands together.

“I'm a surgeon.”

“Oh.” Somehow, he could see Hux in that line of work.

“Plastic.”

“I'm sorry?”

“Plastic surgery. I work mostly with medical emergencies – reconstructive surgery, burn victims and such. But I also do more aesthetic cosmetic work.”

“Oh. That's interesting. Your family must be proud of you for taking that on; it's a well paying job.” He wondered vaguely if Han and Leia would be proud if he had become a surgeon instead.

Hux snorted. “My father was livid when I told him I was changing from training to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. He hates the idea of plastic surgery. The salary did ease him a bit, though.” 

There was silence between them, and Kylo found himself admiring Hux's face again. The line of his jaw, the hollows of his cheeks, his very soft looking lips. He couldn't get the image of them sucking on his thumb out of his head. For a split second he wondered how they would look sucking on-

“Well, I don't want to keep you from your...priestly duties,” the ginger finally said. He put his hand out. “It was a pleasure speaking with you.”

Kylo swallowed and slowly reached out to take the other's hand. Hux's hands were by no means small, but in comparison to Kylo's rather large ones, they did appear to be. 

“Kylo.”

“Sorry?”

“My name. I know I introduced myself to the church as Ben Solo at the beginning of the sermon, but...I prefer the name Kylo. Kylo Ren.”

“Kylo Ren.” Their hands were still clasped, and Kylo felt his chest tighten at the way Hux repeated his name: carefully, softly, like he was judging the taste of it on his tongue like some kind of fine wine. “Well, Ren, I do hope we meet again. Perhaps before your next sermon?”

When Hux pulled his hand away, Kylo could have sworn he swept his thumb over the thin, sensitive skin of his wrist. He suppressed the urge to shiver, and to pull Hux's hand tighter in his, to pull more intimate touches from him.

“Maybe.”

Stepping back, Kylo dropped his head as Hux passed him. He could feel that his face was hot, and that there was a heat pooling somewhere beneath his abdomen. Not good.

“Actually...do you drink at all, by chance?”

Kylo's head snapped up to see that Hux had turned back to face him. “I...yes. On occasion.” He thought briefly to before he became a priest, before he began his schooling. For him, “on occasion” had been nearly every night. He wasn't an alcoholic, but it hadn't necessarily been a healthy habit.

Hux's lip turned up just slightly. “Would you care to join me? Not tonight, as I'm sure you have your own plans, but perhaps another evening? I would be interested to hear your story about becoming a priest.”

Licking his lips, Kylo ducked his head again. “I'm flattered. Would...would Friday be all right?”

“Friday? I'm sure I can work you into my schedule.”

Kylo looked up at the sound of shuffling fabric, and saw that Hux was writing something on a small slip of paper. When he finally handed it to Kylo, he saw that it was a business card.

“Turn it over, that's my personal number. I'd rather you text than call, as I may or may not be in surgery when you do.”

Kylo's thumb rubbed over the writing, a bit slanted and a mix of cursive and print. It fit Hux. 

“You do have a cell phone, yes?”

“Yeah, I have one. I might be a priest but I don't deprive myself of _everything._ ”

Hux smirked, and Kylo looked away as he gave him a once-over again, as he had in front of the church. “I'm sure you don't. Until next time.”

As he watched Hux walk towards the exit, he couldn't help but wonder what he was like. In daily life, at the grocery store...in consultations...in surgery, medical tools in hand...in bed, after several drinks and with his ass on display...

The sound of the church doors slamming jerked Kylo from his thoughts, and he felt mortified when he realized one of his hands had drifted over his groin. He knew he was hard, had felt himself becoming so after Hux touched his wrist, and especially so when the man asked him out for drinks. 

And now here he was, lying on his back in his room, willing himself not to give in to sliding his hand past his briefs. To not rub his hand over his length, to wrap his hand around it as he imagined Hux might, lids heavy from drinking and his lips reddened from Kylo sucking on them – 

He let out an exasperated moan, one hand dragging his briefs down while the other pulled at himself. God, it felt good. He hadn't touched himself in...in so long; to be honest, he hadn't felt so sexually attracted to anyone like this in a very long time. Any time he felt the urge, he would jump straight into the nearest shower and blast himself with icy water, or he would whip a belt against his back, hoping the pain would drive away the need.

He was sure if he tried to use a belt on himself now his depraved mind would go straight to Hux, and he would be even worse off. 

His jerks were becoming erratic, and it wasn't long before he finished, back arching off of the bed as a filthy sound passed his lips. It had been so long, and all it had taken was a touch. A touch, a few choice looks, and the invitation to drink. Basically the same routine that had been so much a part of his social life before becoming a priest. 

Eyes closed, Kylo took several minutes to let himself calm down, hand still wrapped around his softened cock. He could feel his cum on his stomach and chest, and as much as he wanted to feel guilty, he found that the high from his orgasm was just enough to outweigh any of that. 

Sighing, he sat up, frowning at the feeling of the dried fluid on his front. Once he was up he searched through the pile of his robes until he found what he was looking for. Flipping the business card over, he skimmed his thumb over the lettering again. So elegant.

He stood there for another minute or so, just reading the number over and over in his mind. Finally, he walked over to his desk and picked up his cell phone. Opening up the messaging app, he quickly tapped out a message and added Hux to his contacts.

_Its kylo. Let me know if friday still works for you._

He paused before hesitantly typing out _unless tonight is better since I assume youre busy during the week. I dont have any plans but I dont want to bother you if youre busy._

Setting the phone down, he quickly reached for some clean clothes and a towel. The dried cum on his stomach was beginning to bother him. He hadn't felt so dirty since his first year in schooling to become a priest. He hadn't _calmed down_ with his life outside of the school until his second year. Many of the men he'd been with in his first year had gotten a bit of a kick out of the idea of him becoming a priest.

After showering briefly and scrubbing himself clean in the tiny shower cell, he stepped out. A glance at his phone showed that he had one new notification; he couldn't help but bite his lip as he opened it.

_I was concerned that you would be the busy one tonight; I'm glad to see that you're not. Thank you for being considerate in asking. Meet me at the following address at 9._

Kylo allowed himself a small smile as he waited. He could see that Hux was typing, the little ellipse bubble pulsing next to his name. When the message finally came through, he let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He recognized the address as a fairly relaxed bar on the other end of the town; he used to be a frequent customer. A very frequent customer, although he probably spent more time fucking in the bathroom than he did sitting at the bar.

_All right, see you there and thanks for taking the time to see me._

_See me? Meet with me? Take me out?_ Kylo winced at his wording but it was too late – the text had been sent and Hux was already replying.

_No worries, it's my pleasure._


	2. Cheers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo gets ready to go see Hux, gets totally smashed at the bar with another man, and then fucks Hux in the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a long wait, there were many technical difficulties but here we are! enjoi

Kylo couldn't remember the last time he had spent so long preparing himself for a social outing. Even though he had scrubbed himself clean in the shower, after an intense work out session in an attempt to calm his nerves he was in need of another. Physical workouts had always been his go to way of de-stressing, and he couldn't help but notice that he hadn't actually felt the need to exercise intensively in months. Before becoming a priest, he would occasionally substitute a work out with a hook up – after all, a good fuck _was_ its own kind of work out.

He spent a long time in the shower, probably longer than he really needed to. Special attention was paid to his hair, with a prolonged shampooing and a little more conditioning than was strictly necessary. After a brief mental debate, he decided it wouldn't hurt to pay some attention to certain other areas of his body.

After all, he was quite sure that there was more to this meeting than just a few casual drinks. He hadn't hooked up with anybody in quite a while, but that didn't mean he lost the ability to pick up on certain social cues. And Hux had been giving off quite a few cues Kylo was all too familiar with.

He also couldn't remember the last time he spent so long trying to find clothes to wear. It felt like hours before he finally decided on a plain black t-shirt, jeans, and an old leather jacket (he tried not to think about how it was a gift from Han).

By the time he had finished getting ready, there were still hours left. He paced around his room, chewing at his thumb and trying to lessen the tension in his muscles, only to tense up again after every glance at the clock. He gave up on pacing eventually, instead opting to flop back onto the bed and stare at the ceiling.

He hadn't meant to fall asleep, and he certainly didn't mean to dream about Hux.

He especially didn't mean to dream about _fucking_ Hux in front of the display in the main hall of the church. With people watching. With _God_ watching.

 _That’s what makes it fun_ , the Hux in his dream had said, whispering raggedly into his ear while his nails dug into Kylo’s shoulders and he moaned. _God loves a good show, and so do they._ Hux’s nails raked down his back while his spine arched, and dream Kylo’s hips snapped against his with a renewed fervor. If he turned to his left he could see the people, just black silhouettes, and if he turned to the right there was Jesus Christ, gazing sadly down at him from his cross on the wall while he pumped Hux’s cock in one hand and fucked him in the ass. 

_Don’t apologize_ , Hux was saying, and one of his hands reached up to pull at Kylo’s hair. He hadn’t even realized it, but he’d been muttering under his breath as he fucked him, over and over again. _Ignosce mihi ignosce mihi ignosce mihi_

_God loves a good show._

Dream Kylo had come with a groan, leaning down to sink his teeth in Hux’s shoulders as he spilled into him, pressed all the way in to the hilt. Seconds later reality Kylo woke, jerking to and panting. 

He immediately sat up, hands rushing to his crotch - nothing. God bless. Turning to his nightstand, he looked to the clock: 7:48 p.m. He had time, he was safe.

Relaxing, he let his head fall forward into his hands. What was it about this Hux that made him so weak? Sure, he had gotten around fairly easily before and he wasn’t terribly picky about who he fucked or who fucked him, but this...this was ridiculous. There had to be a reason. _There’s always a reason._

He sighed, standing and adjusting his jacket. He still had over an hour to meet Hux, but it wouldn’t hurt to show up early - besides, maybe if he got a few drinks in him things would go more smoothly.

The walk to the bus stop was short, and he chose to stand in case someone else needed to sit. Holding onto the ceiling handle, he stared out the window, watching as buildings passed and the sky darkened. The street lights would be turned on soon, and the town would have that almost city-like orange glow. Orange. A similar shade to Hux’s hair, but not quite it. 

Kylo was finding himself imagining what Hux’s hair would feel like between his fingers when the bus rolled to a stop. He wasn’t sure it was quite his own stop yet but he departed regardless, thinking it best that he leave the bus before anyone noticed his flush or - God forbid - recognized him from church and decide to engage in conversation. 

Thankfully, it was only a ten minute walk to the bar. The air was starting to achieve that distinct night scent, and he breathed deeply, willing himself to calm. He hated that he was getting so worked up over a simple invitation for drinks. Had it really been so long? 

Pushing open the door to the building, he was immediately greeted by the welcoming sound of slow jukebox tunes and the scent of cigarettes and cigar smoke. He breathed in deeply; it was quite a change from the clean night air outside but this had a nostalgic feel to it, throwing him back to his days before becoming a priest. 

A few people glanced at him when he walked by, but probably more out of interest at the unusually large shadow passing over them than any actual recognition of who he was. The overall room was dimly lit, but the bar had strings of gold lights hanging over the large wall of assorted liquors, and the bottles reflected them with small points of light. The same as it had years ago, he was pleased to see.

“What can I get you?” 

The bartender was new, unfortunately. Kylo had liked the old one, a small man in his seventies who never judged him for always getting skunk drunk and then slipping into the bathroom with whoever caught his interest that night. He would sometimes look disapprovingly at Kylo while he slurred that he’d be right back, but that was that. Never a single condescending or reprimanding word. Kylo wondered vaguely if he were still alive and just retired, or if he had passed away already.

“Just a hard cider, if you have any,” Kylo said, sliding onto the stool. He could feel a low ache at the thought of drinking, and part of him wanted to get straight to it and order something stronger - but it wouldn’t be any fun if he were drunk by the time Hux arrived. “Actually, two bottles.”

The bartender fished around before pulling up two slim bottles of Angry Orchard. He popped the top of one and slid them to Kylo, who just nodded his thanks.

He paused with the drink against his lips, fingers tightening around the body of the bottle. When he finally tipped it back and felt it slide down his throat, he nearly moaned at the all too familiar warmth that spread in his chest. He hadn’t had a hard drink in years.

The first bottle was downed more quickly than he’d intended, so he paced himself with the second, instead focusing his attention on one of the TV screens overhead. It was a soccer game, the US against some team he didn’t recognize. It wasn’t long before he’d finished the second and flagged down the bartender for more. 

He was on the fourth bottle and feeling tipsy and warm when someone slid onto the stool beside him. He looked over, expecting a red shock of hair, only to be greeted with a man nearly his size in height but much broader. He was all muscle and his hair was dark and wavy, slicked back against his head with a little too much oil. 

He was watching Kylo, and the priest shifted on his seat. “Can I help you?” The words felt a little thick on his tongue. At one point he’d built up quite the tolerance for alcohol, but it had been quite some time and he was more than happy to let himself get loose quick.

“You look like you should be drinking something stronger,” the man said. “A big guy like you.”

Kylo swallowed, clearing his throat. “I haven’t had a drink in a while.”

“Even better.” The man looked to the bartender and motioned. “Bring us a bottle of vodka and some shot glasses,” he said once the man walked over.

“I’m actually waiting for someone -”

“Then I’ll keep you company until they get here.”

Kylo watched as the man poured them a round, the clear liquid sloshing into the glass and a few drops landing on the bar. A glass was pushed towards him and he took it carefully between his fingers. It was such a small amount, so it wouldn’t be that bad to just have a few.

“Cheers.”

*** 

Someone had changed the album selected on the jukebox, and it was no longer slow and eerie as it had been before. Kylo didn’t recognize the song, but his foot tapped to the beat against one of the rungs of the bar stool and he hummed along in between the shots of vodka. If he’d been tipsy before he was absolutely smashed now, a steady pulse in the back of his head anytime he moved. 

“Aren’t you having fun.”

It was the man that had invited himself into Kylo’s space. But Kylo didn’t mind, he felt totally loose and he was just glad the man hadn’t recognized him as being the new priest. That would be embarrassing.

“Mmm-hm.” He’d had to take off his leather jacket a few minutes before: the room was far too warm now and he was too warm and despite all of that he was suddenly curious to the fact of how warm the man’s body would be against his. 

“You’ve got a decent amount of ink on you,” the man said, reaching out and trailing a large hand up Kylo’s arm and his sleeve of tattoos. Kylo just hummed and leaned into the touch, flexing his arm beneath the fingers, grinning stupidly when they gripped the bulge of his bicep. “Are you a tattoo artist?”

Kylo shook his head lazily, reaching for the shot glass when the man poured him another. The bottle was nearly empty, and he’d lost count of how many he’d downed. That didn’t matter though, he was relaxed and didn’t feel sick yet. But he did need to piss. 

“Then you must be some kind of athlete, with guns like these.” He squeezed his arm again and then moved to slide his hand down along Kylo’s torso to his thigh. 

Kylo felt his heart rate pick up and he panted a bit under his breath, flexing his quad when he felt he man dig his fingers in again. The men he’d had flings with were always so enamored with his physique, and it paid off. They loved touching him and feeling up his muscles, and he loved being touched and flexing for them.

The man’s hand went to slide against Kylo’s groin and the priest paused.

“I have to piss,” he slurred, sliding off the barstool and struggling not to stumble. “I’ll be right back. Don’t move.”

Kylo managed to make his way to the bathroom without tripping or knocking into anyone, though the doorknob proved a slight challenge for several seconds. Once inside he made his way to a urinal and fumbled with the button and zipper of his pants. He sighed, leaning forward until his forehead was pressed against the wall while he relieved himself; the tile was cool, and he stayed there even once he’d finished with eyes closed. He was nearly nodding off and didn’t hear the bathroom door open, but he did hear the click of the lock once it was closed.

Not moving from his spot, he smiled, eyes still shut. “I told you not to move,” he said, unable to stop himself from giggling stupidly. He was always a giggly drunk. “You’re not good at following orders. That’s...that’s bad.”

He was trying to tuck himself back into his underwear when two hands slipped around either side of his waist, one taking hold of his cock and the other pushing his own hands away from himself.

“Well, haven’t you been having fun.”

Kylo shifted his cheek against the wall, trying to find a new cool spot that hadn’t been warmed by his face. Wait, did the man have an accent? He hadn’t noticed.

He moaned when the hand on his cock began to pump him and the other reached up to stroke the side of his face. He pressed his own hands against the wall in fists, trying to keep himself up when his legs started to tremble. 

“You couldn’t even wait for me before you gave in.”

Kylo gasped when one hand pulled roughly on his hair and the other dug a nail into the side of his aching cock. Fuck, he was stupid. This wasn’t the man from the bar; he’d forgotten that he’d been waiting for someone. He had completely slipped his mind.

Hux sighed, loosening his grip on the dark locks and instead rifling his fingers through them. “You’ve always been this way, haven’t you. So why did you become a priest? Did daddy not like the path you were taking, and convince you try something different? I know that feeling.”

Kylo was nearly drooling against the tile, and he pushed his hips into Hux’s hand, needing more friction than he was giving him. He couldn’t help but giggle again, rubbing his cheek against the wall. “Daddy. You said daddy.” He yelped when Hux tightened his grip, digging not just one but several of his blunt nails into the sensitive skin of his dick.

“Were you expecting this, Father?” Oh shit, he was bringing _titles_ into this. It was almost as bad as him saying daddy. “Am I to understand I made myself clear at the church?’

He nodded as well as could, clenching his fists against the wall. 

“But you’re a priest, Father.”

“So?” Kylo jerked his hips, panting and then gritting his teeth. 

“I was under the impression that priests are not allowed to engage in these kinds of activities. Especially with other men.”

“Hm.” Kylo focused on the feeling of Hux’s hand as it dragged slowly up and down along his cock, thumbing at the head and pinching at the base. “I guess we’re not.”

“You don’t feel guilty?”

“Right now I just...want to feel your mouth. And your lips. I like your...your lips. They look like they’d feel good. They look...plushy.”

Hux hummed behind him and withdrew his hand, earning a whine from Kylo. “Turn around and I’ll see what I can do.”

Kylo tried to straighten himself as he turned but it was a lost cause. He slumped back against the wall and ran a hand through his hair as he watched Hux kneel in front of him, hands making quick work of his pants and briefs. 

“You look good on your knees,” he drawled, free hand reaching out to twirl his fingers through Hux’s hair; it was soft and silky and if he weren’t so aroused he’d be complacent with just staying there playing with it. “You almost look like you’re about to pray...to me. Like you’re worshipping me-”

He choked off his own sentence as Hux’s lips wrapped around his cock, and his hand tightened reflexively in the ginger’s hair. Gasping, he pulled his head down, dragging it farther along his cock. Hux didn’t gag or try to pull away, his fingers only pressed more firmly into Kylo’s thighs where they gripped for support. 

“I...I just...fuck, it’s been so long,” the priest moaned, his head falling back towards the wall. “I missed this so much.”

He shifted his grip on Hux’s hair in his one hand while the other snaked up under his shirt to pull at one of his nipple piercings. He keened at the pain and pleasure it produced and his hips bucked, plunging his cock deeper into Hux’s throat. 

Kylo panted hard, pulling at himself and Hux’s hair, and he couldn’t help the frustration that washed over him when he felt Hux pull off of him, his tongue dragging along the shaft and licking the slit one last time.

“I want you to fuck me, Father.” 

Hux was staring up at him through his lashes, cheeks flushed horrendously and his lips swollen and red. He was only a few inches shorter than Kylo but he looked so small and lithe, and dressed in his white button up and sweater he looked younger than he was. He reminded Kylo of the other students at the boarding school he'd briefly attended.

Kylo licked his lips and then went to his knees so that he was about level with Hux. The ginger never broke eye contact, and Kylo felt a shiver run up his spine.

“Stand up against the sink,” he said slowly, voice dropping low as he tried to control the words as they left his mouth. He grabbed the front of Hux’s shirt when he didn’t move and dragged him up to his feet before pushing him back until he was pressed to the closest sink. The ginger said nothing, just panted and reached back to steady himself, never breaking eye contact.

Kylo bit the inside of his cheek as he roughly undid Hux’s pants and pulled them off. Hux’s plain briefs were stained in the front with precome, and Kylo wasn’t able to resist leaning down to lick at him through the fabric. He smiled as he did so, mouthing at him while Hux’s breath hitched and he allowed himself short, cut off moans every now and again. After torturing him for another minute Kylo reached up and yanked the briefs down, immediately moving in to take Hux into his mouth. 

“F-Father please-”

Kylo only grazed his teeth along Hux, and that was enough for him to nearly scream, his back arching. Once he was reduced to a panting, nonverbal mess again, Kylo slid his hands against him before turning him around so that his front was pushed to the sink.

He took a moment to admire Hux’s pale ass before he asked, “Did you bring any lube?”

“Pants pocket.”

Kylo reached back and rifled through the pockets until he found the small compact container. “You knew what you wanted to get done,” he said, trying not to slur as badly. His head was pounding but this felt too good, he couldn’t pass it up.

Popping the cap, he poured a generous amount on his hands and spread it. Without warning Hux he slipped a finger into his ass, smiling when the man moaned and squirmed against the sink. He was tight as hell and so hot; Kylo had to brace himself not to rush ahead and go straight to fucking him. 

“Do you often let priests fuck you?” When Hux didn’t answer straightaway, he pushed in a second finger. “You have a...a thing for priests?”

Hux panted, hands tightening their grip on the edges of the sink. “I...Father, please -”

“Too afraid to confess to me?”

Hux gritted his teeth. “I won’t confess to you. Not in a fucking bar bathroom”

He continued to finger fuck Hux, slowly and trying to focus on moving his fingers right. With his other hand he slicked himself up with lube, unable to stop from preparing himself. Hux pressed down against his hand, nearly whining, so Kylo obliged him with a third thick finger. 

“Hurry up and just fuck me already,” Hux hissed, looking over his shoulder as best as he could. “You already got drunk without me, you owe me that much.”

Kylo hummed and pulled out his fingers, unable to stop the small laugh that escaped him at the obscene sound his fingers made. “Okay.”

Standing up, he placed one hand on Hux’s slim hip while he used the other line himself up (it was a little harder than he hoped, with as drunk as he was). Once he felt properly aligned, he pushed in in one go. 

Hux reached up and bit his wrist to stifle his scream, and Kylo just stayed where he was pressed up to the hilt, his front pressed flush against Hux’s back. He tilted his head to mouth at the man’s neck and pull at his earlobe, and then he began to move. Slowly, at first, so both could adjust. But once he felt how fucking nice and _tight_ Hux was, he picked up the pace until he was positively slamming his cock into Hux’s ass, nearly lifting the man off of his feet with each thrust.

His fingertips dug into Hux’s hips while his other reached around to wrap around Hux’s cock. The ginger moaned through his teeth, leaning back his head so that it rested on Kylo’s shoulder, also allowing more access to his neck. Kylo took this opportunity to lick and suck at Hux’s exposed throat, teeth grazing at the stretched muscles and tendons. 

“Do you think...do you think God is watching, Father?”

Kylo’s hips stuttered as he recalled the dream from earlier that evening. _God loves a good show._ He closed his eyes and picked up the pace once more, imagining Hux sprawled out in the main hall of the church again, legs wrapped around Kylo’s waist and his ankles locked while he pounded into him.

“God is...always watching,” he managed to choke out, feeling his eyes tearing up. 

“Do you think He likes what He sees?”

He could see them sitting in the church pews, the faceless outlines of people. They were to his left, and he knew what was to his right but he couldn’t bring himself to look. Not again. Yes, it was all in his mind, but he couldn’t disgrace himself further. 

Hux tilted his head so that he was close to Kylo’s ear. “I think God likes a good show from His children. Likes to see us _play - aahh!_ ”

Kylo felt his hips jerk one last time before he came, spilling inside of Hux and gasping against his shoulder. Hux tightened and then went still around him and followed, mouth gaping open in a moan as his cock pumped white strings of cum onto Kylo’s hand and against the sink. 

The two stayed there for what felt like forever, Hux relaxing in between Kylo and the sink and the priest slumping forward, reaching forward to support himself in case his legs were to give out. His heart pounded in his chest and his blood in his ears and in the back of his head. He felt fucked out and still totally drunk, and there was a strange sort of high that he didn’t think was necessarily from the sex. 

_God loves a good show. Likes to see us play._

The high only lasted for another moment before he realized what he had just done, and he shoved Hux aside to vomit into the sink, retching until his throat and eyes burned and there was nothing left in his stomach. 

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there you go guys! i think there will probably be two more chapters of this at the most, i just dont really know what to write about besides them being gross in the church like in [Bless Me Father](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6751606)?? if you guys have any prompts or anything you want to see hmu here or on tumblr at [ndkylo](http://ndkylo.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Glory in Infirmities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo wakes up the morning after the stint in the bar only to find himself in Hux's apartment. As soon as he returns to the church and gets back on track with his duties, he truly feels that things have taken a turn for the better and that he's better for it. After weeks of only seeing Hux in the distant rows of the church pews, things change one day during confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yes im horrible for several reasons, one being that its been over a year since this last updated and two being...well...this fic in general. i kind of lost steam last chapter because i felt like the fic wasnt really getting much attention but ive decided to pull through and finish it even if nobody else reads it but me lol. 
> 
> i kno ive said it before but i dont totally know how church stuff works so i tried to research but yeah. theres definitely going to be inaccuracies but i hope yall enjoi this sin

Kylo shifted in bed, arms tightening where they were wrapped around his pillow. His cheek was damp, as was a generous portion of the pillowcase. When he opened his eyes he saw the dark patch where he’d drooled and groaned. Drooling in his sleep was not one of his better attributes. Although, if he were being honest, he didn’t seem to even _have_ many better attributes. 

“You’re finally awake. That’s a relief - I almost thought you suffocated yourself with your face down like that.”

Kylo jerked, realizing that not only was he not alone, he was not in _his_ room. The blanket he had wrapped around him was not his, the sheets were not his, and the pillow that he had practically slobbered on was certainly not his.

“What -”

“You actually insisted not to be returned to the church,” Hux said, rounding the bed and stopping just in front of Kylo. He had a cup of coffee in one hand and a small bowl in the other. “Something about how you couldn’t be seen by anyone. You were in quite a state.”

Kylo shifted on the bed, flushing when he realized that he wasn’t wearing any clothes. “Why am I naked?”

“Also at your request - well, you just kind of stripped. I wasn’t about to stop you if that made you comfortable.” He held out the bowl. “Eat something. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone throw up as much as you did last night.”

There were pieces of fruit and berries in the bowl and Kylo pushed them around, despite the fact that he was starving. “Last night was a mistake.”

“Was it? I think it would have been even more of a mistake had you fucked that man from the bar. Or if you had let him fuck you.”

“I was drunk, which I shouldn’t have even been in the first place.” 

He tried not to slam the bowl of fruit onto the nightstand before shucking the covers off and standing. Hux took a step back, half lidded eyes immediately drawn to Kylo’s bare groin. When Kylo placed his hand over his dick - which was blessedly flaccid - his gaze flicked back to his.

“You took advantage of me.” 

“Did I? Because if I recall correctly you were in quite the hurry to meet me for drinks. Not only that but you were beyond _just drunk_ when I arrived. I had no part in your lack of self control.”

Kylo shifted, all too aware of the pounding headache he had. 

“Do you regret what happened? Are you ashamed, Father?”

“Of course I’m ashamed.”

“Did you enjoy it? Having me suck your cock and letting you take me from behind?”

Kylo closed his eyes, gritting his teeth. “I shouldn’t have done that. Shouldn’t have let you do that. A priest should never engage in such actions.”

“Maybe, but what happened happened.” He reached out, traced a finger down one large pec. Smiled when it jumped. “We had a good time up until the end. Doesn’t God want us to be happy?”

Kylo grabbed Hux’s hand and held it there. “Not...not like that. I’m not...I’m not supposed to be feeling this way.”

“Feeling, as in present tense.”

Kylo felt his lip twitch. “I-”

“Father, I understand your reluctance because of your devotion to the Church and its practices. But just tell me one thing: did _you_ want what happened last night?”

His heart was pounding as he forced himself to look away from Hux. His hair was a bit mussed and looking at it just reminded him of last night, of wanting to just play with it. He did remember that crystal clear. _Shit._

“If given the opportunity and knowing what was going to happen, would you follow through with last night again? If you weren’t a priest and didn’t have that...religious guilt...if you were just a regular man like me, would you do it again? Drunk and sloppy in the pub bathroom?”

Kylo was still gripping Hux’s hand. It felt much smaller and more delicate than it really was in his own. He remembered then that Hux had said he was a surgeon; he needed his hands in as close to perfect condition as they could get. His grip lessened and he swallowed, lips parting.

Before he could even reply his stomach growled embarrassingly loudly.

Hux’s expression softened. “You should really eat something….Get dressed and meet me downstairs whenever you’re ready. I washed your clothes last night, and you’re free to use the shower if you wish.”

His hand slipped easily out of Kylo’s and then Kylo was alone in the room. He stared at his palm for a moment, focusing on the lingering warmth. He curled his fingers inward to try and preserve it before it dissipated.

Looking around the room, he found it much more…homier...than what he expected. Although to be honest he hadn’t really thought much about what Hux’s bedroom would look like. Maybe it was because surgeons made him think of stark white hospital rooms and pristine O.R.’s, he somewhat expected Hux to live in a similar looking setting. Whether he would keep trays of surgical instruments lying around was something Kylo would have to keep an eye out for.

The brick walls were the first thing he noticed, the wooden beams across the ceiling the second. Faded curtains dimmed the light entering the room and fluttered from the gentle breeze blowing through the open window. The bed was fairly large with simple grey and black bedding, several of the pillowcases a deep red (although the large patch from where Kylo had drooled was still quite obvious). He hadn’t noticed it before but a small portable radio on a chair near the window was on, the local weatherman rattling off information. Something about a storm approaching. 

The lack of family photographs around the room wasn’t much of a surprise, given how Hux had talked about his father. There was, however, one framed picture on the dresser across the room: Hux holding a cat. A rather fat, orange, cat. Hux’s expression looked pained - Kylo couldn’t tell if it was from the weight of the animal in his arms or the fact that he was being photographed at all (he didn’t seem the type who liked to have his picture taken). Kylo couldn’t help but wonder who took the photo as he set it back onto the dresser and turned back to search for his clothes.

He found them folded and stacked neatly on a chest at the foot of the bed, leather jacket nowhere to be seen. His shoes were also missing.

Passing them over, Kylo wandered towards a partially open door - the bathroom. A rather small one at that. It reminded him of his own shower cell: confined with simple stained tiles. A plain sheer curtain. One small window towards the ceiling.

The water heated up much more quickly than his own, he was pleased to find. He stood under the spray for some time, alternating between letting it beat down on the back of his neck and his face. He glanced at the bottles of shampoo and conditioner but decided against using them. He did squeeze some of the liquid soap into his palm, lathering it up and scrubbing over his body. The thought of him now smelling like Hux made his cheeks flush, and he quickly rinsed off. 

Hux’s towels were soft and fluffier than Kylo was used to, but he wasn’t going to complain. A glance in the mirror and then he couldn’t help but stare at himself. Of course he physically was exactly as he had been last night - although there was a mysterious bruise on his forehead. He was exactly as he had been before he had met Hux, but...he couldn’t help but furrow his brows at himself. He wasn’t the same, no matter how long he stared at his reflection and told himself he was. 

The smell of food cooking hit Kylo as soon as he opened the bathroom door. He cringed when his stomach growled insistently once more as he made his way back to the chest at the foot of the bed. 

His clothes felt soft and smelled like sweet detergent as he slipped them on. He couldn’t remember the last time he used fabric softener or brand detergent - usually he made his own washing soda out of cheap products he bought in bulk. He took a few self indulgent sniffs of his shirt before the bowl of fruit on the nightstand caught his attention. 

Not wanting to leave the bowl or waste the fruit, he popped several pieces into his mouth before opening the room to the hallway. The berries were fresh and tart, just like the ones they grew in the garden behind the church. 

The rest of the house - no, it was an apartment- was just as rustic as the bedroom. A combination of brick and wood, it had narrow halls and even more narrow stairs. Classic old New England architecture. If Kylo was being careful now as he made his way down the steep staircase (stooping as he reached the bottom archway), he couldn’t help but wonder how long it took him the night before to get upstairs totally smashed. It occurred to him that the bruise on his forehead was probably from the low ceiling leading to the staircase; he couldn’t help but feel like it was God’s way of trying to slap sense into him. Or it was just that he had forgotten how tall he was in his drunk stupor. 

He really wished that God or some guardian angel would materialize right about now and slap some more sense into him. The more slaps the better - he needed all the help he could get.

It took him a moment to navigate the apartment: there were boxes and plastic bins stacked all around and piles of shoes and clothes. His eyes caught a pair of gladiator-style thigh high sandals and his heart skipped a beat. It was possible those were Hux’s, although to be honest the size of the sandal looked a bit bigger than the loafers beside them that Kylo assumed were his. 

The bowl of fruit was empty as he finally walked into the doorway to the kitchen. It was small and simple like the rest of the apartment, with the off-white tiles and slightly crumbly brick walls. 

And then there was Hux, dressed in a pressed white button up and dark slacks, padding around in his socks as he moved from stove to fridge to countertop. Kylo watched him from the doorway, eyes following the quick movements of the knife as he minced onions. 

Hux glanced up after a moment but didn’t halt in chopping, eyes immediately returning to the movements of his hand. 

“Sit down.”

His tone wasn’t harsh but it certainly wasn’t friendly. Kylo did as he was told, moving to a stool on the opposite side of the counter. It wobbled as he sat.

Hux’s eyes flicked up to the empty bowl as Kylo set it down on the counter. “Allergies?”

“What?”

“Do you have any allergies?”

“Uh, no. I don’t think so.”

The only sound in the room was the popping of bacon in a pan on the stove and the dull thud of the knife on the cutting board. Kylo sat silently, hunched as he watched Hux work. His hands moved so smoothly and every cut was identical to the last - you would have thought a machine sliced up the vegetables.

“I do need an answer, Kylo.”

Kylo had zoned out enough that he didn’t realize Hux had stopped cutting and was now at the stove, facing away from him. “Answer to-”

“You don’t feel as though I violated you, yes? Religious guilt aside, you wanted it? Last night?”

Kylo stared down at his lap, thinking back to the night before. Yes, having sex while drunk was not the best idea - but he did want it. He’d wanted it before he drank, while he was drunk, and now...religious guilt aside, he knew deep down he would do it again. And again, and again, and again -

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

Even after clearing his throat his voice was just above a whisper. “Yes, I don’t feel that you violated me. Yes, religious guilt aside, I wanted it.”

Hux’s sigh of relief wasn’t audible, but the way his shoulders relaxed told Kylo all he needed to know. 

“Good.”

The room was quiet again as Hux removed the bacon from the pan, no more loud crackling and pops to distract them. Kylo couldn’t think of anything else to say so he just watched Hux continue to cook in silence. Eggs were cracked and beaten, poured into the pan, and everything he had chopped up was mixed in. It didn’t take long and Kylo mumbled his thanks as the scramble was placed on a plate in front of him. He didn’t mean to eat with as much fervor as he did, and he felt his cheeks redden when he finally slowed down enough to notice Hux was watching him, chin perched on his hand. 

“It’s really good, thanks,” he managed through a mouthful. 

“I’m glad - I really was a bit concerned last night. I tried to get you to eat but you refused. You drank water though, so I wasn’t worried about you being dehydrated. Your hunger is expected.”

Kylo sighed and took a bite of bacon. “I’m sorry if I was a burden, I just...well, thank you for looking after me. And not taking me back to the rectory.”

Hux nodded. “Of course. I wasn’t going to just leave you in a pile of your own vomit in the bar restroom. Which is what I think would have happened if I hadn’t stepped in in that other man’s place.”

Kylo felt his cheeks flush at the memory of the man’s hand squeezing his bicep and then traveling over his groin. “How much did you see?”

“Enough to know he was bad news.”

“How do you know he was a bad man? Did you talk to him?”

Hux’s gaze faltered and his pause was a moment too long. “Trust me, I know his type. Finish your food.”

Kylo didn’t probe further, instead focusing on wolfing down the remainder of the eggs. Hux stared out the window for some time, gaze distant when Kylo glanced up occasionally. He really was attractive, he thought to himself. Hux had no distinctly chiseled features save for prominent cheekbones but he was handsome. Kylo forced his gaze away when his thoughts took a different turn as he stared at Hux’s pouty lips. 

“So….Nipple piercings.”

Kylo choked a little on the bacon. “I - yeah. Yeah...nipple piercings.”

Hux was still looking out the window but Kylo could see the corner of his lip turned up the slightest bit. “I thought I noticed them through your shirt last night but my suspicions were confirmed once I brought you here and you undressed. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

Kylo nodded, cringing down at his lap. After several beats he cleared his throat. “What do you, uh...think of them?”

When Hux finally turned back to him his eyes flicked down to Kylo’s chest, as if he could see through his shirt. “They’re very nice. Surgical steel is elegant in its own way but...I do think something with crystal accents would suit you nicely. Although it’s a shame you would have to keep such nice jewelry hidden all the time.”

The two held eye contact for several long moments before Kylo finally tore his gaze away, heart starting to pound at the way Hux’s lids hooded his eyes. He started to stand, stumbling as the stool wobbled under his shifting weight.

“I should get going, thanks...thank you for letting me stay over. And for keeping me hydrated. And washing my clothes a-and letting me use the shower and your bed and- and the food and-” Closing his eyes, Kylo took a deep breath and held it. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do any of that and I don’t know how to properly show my thanks so...thank you.”

Hux’s brows were raised but he just let out a small sigh and nodded. “Don’t worry about it. Your shoes and jacket are by the door.”

When Hux didn’t move to stand Kylo swallowed and turned to leave. The sandals by the opposite wall caught his eye and turned back.

“Whose sandals are those? I mean if they’re yours I’m not judging I just- you’re not married or dating someone, are you?”

Hux’s lips curled into a near-smile. “Oh no, not at all. Those belong to my roommate. She isn’t here right now. Interesting you ask about my relationship status, though.”

Kylo clenched his jaw. “Thank you again,” he mumbled before turning. 

Hux didn’t follow him out of the room or see him out the door, which was a blessing. Kylo stumbled outside, wincing at the intensity of the daylight. He hadn’t really noticed his headache back inside but with the bright light and heat enveloping him, it returned with a vengeance. By the feel of the heat and the height of the sun it was later than he’d thought; he must have slept a good while. 

In all honesty Kylo didn’t know where he was. A busy street faced him and to his right and left were brick apartments identical to Hux’s. A glance at the map on his phone told him he was at least a twenty minute walk from the church. He realized then that the tattoos along his lower neck and wrists were visible; if anyone from the church recognized and approached him, he wasn’t sure how to explain himself - God forbid they see the outlines of his nipple jewelry through his shirt. Hot as he felt he was determined not to remove his jacket now. 

Running would draw too much attention to himself but he couldn’t risk a leisurely stroll. Settling at a slight power walk Kylo kept his eyes focused on the path ahead of him. Moving with the light flow of people wasn’t difficult, to his relief. He could feel sweat beading along his hairline and a thin sheet forming over the rest of his body. Glancing at his phone every few minutes ensured he was going the right way, and after what felt like eons he found himself on the street leading straight to the rectory. 

Knowing he was so close allowed him to take a chance and break into a run, although rather than running to the front gate he continued past it and turned the corner towards the back. It took him a moment to fumble with the key and then the knob, but once he was inside he felt some of the weight rise from his shoulders - he couldn’t totally relax, though. Until he was safely inside his room with the door locked he could feel his nerves getting to him.

Blessedly everyone was either out or hiding away in their own rooms, allowing Kylo to make it safely back into the small, comforting confines of his. 

He slipped off his jacket and flopped onto the bed as soon as he had locked the door. 

What on _Earth_ had he done?

Sure, things were changing in the world, and especially with the Church and the new Pope altering traditions seemingly left and right. But Kylo couldn’t help the creeping feeling of disappointment in his chest. Whether it was from himself or the spirits of past priests rolling in their graves he didn’t know. 

His mind drifted back to Hux standing at the stove, to the relieved drop of his shoulders at the confirmation that Kylo didn’t feel violated. To the way he’d sat and watched Kylo eat like they did that every weekend, and the mischievous smirk when they talked about Kylo’s piercings. _I won’t tell anyone._

Hux intrigued him, probably in the same way that he intrigued Hux. And as curt as Hux could be he had cared for Kylo and kept him as safe as he could. 

They both had secrets, and what happened happened. 

But Kylo told himself that as much as might have enjoyed it deep down, it wasn’t happening again. He was a priest and he had a figure to uphold. If he ran into Hux again he would treat him just like anybody else. After all, it had only been one evening. Hux was basically a stranger, and there was little emotional attachment between them. Sure, there was obviously some serious physical attraction there. But he was strong, and he had abstained from physical relationships for quite a long time before any of this happened.

 _‘My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’_ Yes, he would be stronger.

Feeling better about himself, Kylo took a deep breath and stood. A quick glance through his planner showed he had several house visits coming up within the next few hours. Good, those were welcome distractions. He could get outside, get fresh air and clear his head. Possibly swing by the pharmacy for some painkillers to dull his hangover. 

He walked to the bathroom and stopped, staring at himself in the mirror as he had at Hux’s apartment. 

_I won’t tell anyone. For my strength is made perfect in weakness._

A quick shake of his head and he took another deep breath, reaching for the nondescript bag that he kept his makeup in. He tried not to think about Hux’s comments on the incorrect shade of the products as he began spreading concealer over the tattoos on his neck. 

He had a job to do, and he would do it without constantly dwelling on a stranger.

***

The weeks passed, and Kylo rarely saw Hux. 

Every Sunday he stood outside of the church and greeted people as they entered for the first Mass of the day. He would grip his rosary tight and hope that he didn’t look as anxious as he felt. He had told himself he would treat him like anyone else, but now that he was faced with the possibility of seeing him again he wasn’t sure about his decision. What would he say if he saw Hux? _Hello, stranger. Nice day out, right? Fucked any other priests recently? Made anyone else question their life’s purpose? Their morals?_

But Hux hardly ever showed. If he did, it was after Kylo made his way inside and right before they would begin. He would take his usual seat in the far back, but he no longer lingered in the pews afterward. 

Kylo wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about it, in all honesty. On the one hand it saved him from having to decide on the spot if he was going to act like nothing had happened. But it also made him feel slightly hurt. He reminded himself Hux wasn’t anything special to him, and that he had had people avoid him before and it meant little. 

Yet even with them not interacting, Kylo could feel himself waver in his readings every now and again as he would glance at Hux and catch his gaze. The man seemed to constantly wear a neutral expression and it was difficult to read. It frustrated Kylo more than it probably should have.

Even then, he couldn’t complain too much. Things were going well. Over the last several weeks he had visited more people in homes and hospitals than he could count, attended weddings, counseled several couples with crumbling marriages, and laid quite a few people to rest. He was working on trying to expand the topics he would discuss during Mass at the request of several churchgoers, which meant that he was spending more time than he would have liked with Dopheld, the parish curate. Not that there was anything wrong with Dopheld Mitaka in particular. He was just...clingy. More so than Kylo was comfortable with.

“Faith and politics would be an interesting topic!”

They were in Kylo’s room, much to his disdain. He had planned on them meeting to discuss ideas in a location outside of the church...a cafe or diner, the park...just anywhere but his personal space. But of course Kylo had answered to the knocking on his door to find Mitaka, notebooks and Bible in hand, excited as a young student. 

“That _would_ be interesting, but I don’t want to alienate anyone,” he mumbled. “With the current political climate I don’t want to risk anything.” 

“True, true.” Mitaka scribbled some notes down. “How about...faith in moderation? I hope you don’t mind but I overheard you speaking with a man the other day and that topic came up. You seemed to have some strong opinions about it.”

Kylo had been seated by the window, staring out at the dark clouds forming in the distance. He turned. “That...would also be interesting, but I’m not sure how people would feel hearing that coming from the head priest. In their eyes I am totally devoted at all times.” 

“So why did you talk to the young man about it?”

Kylo stood, rubbing his temples and sighing. “He had some special circumstances. I was assuring him that it isn’t a sin to moderate his involvement with the church and faith in his everyday life. Especially given that he’s just a student. Not a curate or priest like you and I.”

The young man had seeked Kylo out and said he had needed spiritual counseling over a sensitive subject. It turned out he was gay, and wasn’t sure how to be that and religious. Kylo’s first thought had been _Oh shit what if he had seen me with Hux or the man at the bar what does he know shit._ His second thought had been _What if Hux said something what if he knows this kid and told him about us SHIT._ He had then assured Kylo that he wasn’t implying anything by asking him specifically. So he didn’t know anything, good. And it hadn’t been that Hux knew him and spilled anything. That was good too.

Mitaka just nodded. “Understandable. But don’t you think that’s something worth addressing with everyone, not just someone with...special circumstances?”

Kylo hummed, watching as a few small raindrops flicked across the window. “I suppose.”

“Should I put it down, then?”

“Yeah, sure.”

The alarm on Kylo’s phone went off on his desk, prompting him to rise and walk over. 

“I’m going to go take over confessions for a bit,” he said as he turned off the alarm. “Do you happen to know if many people have been by today?”

Mitaka was closing his Bible and the notebook, shuffling papers and trying not to touch what was on the desk. 

“It’s been a nice day, people are out with friends and family.” He glanced over at the window as the rain picked up, a steady tapping on the glass. “Well, nice right up until now. You might get a few people.”

Kylo nodded and moved to his closet to retrieve his cassock. It was fairly hot out despite the rain and clouds, and he really would have rathered not wear it. Especially for the confessional. It was always so irritatingly warm in there. 

“Is it safe to say you won’t be needing me for the rest of the day?”

Kylo turned, robe draped over his arm. Mitaka was standing in the doorway with his things held close to his chest. Eyes hopeful. Either for Kylo to say yes or no, he wasn’t entirely sure. Probably the latter.

“Plans tonight?” 

“No! No, uh...just hanging around the rectory I guess.”

“That’s good. Alone time is good.”

He tried not to stress _alone_ too much but Kylo could see the slight drop in Mitaka’s shoulders. 

“That’s...very true. Well, um...let me know if you need anything.”

Kylo nodded and the other left. Thank God. People always said actions speak louder than words, but he had the feeling he was going to have to outright tell Dopheld he wasn’t interesting in spending time with him - as a friend or anything more. Cute man, but not really his type. 

As he began to put on the cassock he absentmindedly thought to himself _What is my type?_ No, _was,_ he corrected. As in, that kind of thinking was in his past and he would continue to uphold his promise of celibacy with a stronger resolve than before. 

And yet, the quiet thought of ginger hair and pale green eyes tickled the back of his mind. Soft, pale skin that flushed so easily -

He pulled the cinture tight around his waist, pulling a gasp from himself. No, he wouldn’t be having these thoughts. Not today, not tomorrow, hopefully not anytime in the near or far future. 

_Stronger resolve than before,_ he told himself as he gathered his pocket Bible and started to head out. _I’m better than that._

Several people were in the church, some praying on their knees in the pews and others simply staring up in thought at the crucifix at the far end of the hall. Most acknowledged Kylo in one way or another. 

Slipping into the confessional, he made himself as comfortable as he could on the hard bench. It was dark and warm but a small amount of light trickled through the frosted window in the opposite compartment. He had figured at least one or two of the people outside had been waiting for him, and it didn’t take long for the first to enter shortly after himself. 

Hearing confessions typically wasn’t difficult. It wasn’t very often that someone confessed a mortal sin, but he would act accordingly regardless. Most of the time it was simply listening to people unload their feelings and thoughts towards their actions or those of family or friends. It was during those times Kylo felt more like a therapist than a priest. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d asked _And how does that make you feel?_

Either way, very few people left the confessional feeling worse than they did before entering. In those cases, Kylo simply told himself he did what he could and the rest was up to them. No amount of Hail Mary’s or Our Father’s could sooth some of the folks he listened to. And telling them to reflect and ask for forgiveness didn’t help much more. Advising them to ask for forgiveness _from themselves_ proved to be fairly unpopular as well. People didn’t like that at all. 

Confessions that day went smoothly. Nothing too serious was confessed, and the penances were all fairly generic. Reflection was always advised just before the person would leave.

It had probably been about ten or fifteen minutes since the last visitor. Kylo just hummed to himself and flipped through his Bible, using the light from his phone since no more was filtering through from outside. A quick glance at the time showed it was getting late. He was scheduled to finish up in another five minutes. 

He leaned his head softly against the confessional wall, closing the Bible in his lap. The rumble of thunder was distant yet calming. If he closed his eyes and let his thoughts fade, he could even hear the steady patter of rain on the stained glass windows. The rest of the church was quiet. 

Just as he was drifting into a light state of mindfulness the door on the other side of the confessional scraped open. Kylo kept his eyes closed but let himself become alert, aware of the sounds of the person closing the door and settling into their seat. He wasn’t bothered; one more hearing wouldn’t ruin his schedule.

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit...forgive me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was a year and two months ago.” 

_No._

Kylo’s eyes snapped open but he didn’t dare turn to look through the grate. He knew that voice. That accent. He was sure if he did turn he would see the familiar red hair set perfectly in place, and green eyes cast down beneath soft orange lashes. 

_Oh, no._ He couldn’t turn him away. Couldn’t not do his job just because of...what had happened between them.

His mouth felt suddenly dry as he tried to speak. “What...what brings you here today? After so long?”

Hux was quiet for a moment. “I’ve faltered in faith, and I think I may have made another man do so as well.”

Kylo leaned forward, head in his hands. His breath was hot where he breathed on the Bible in his lap. _Oh no oh no oh no oh no_

“And yet...I don’t feel guilty.”

Kylo’s breath halted in his throat. 

Not getting a response, Hux continued. “I know I should. Any rational person, regardless of their faith, would feel something akin to guilt. Instead, I...well. I can’t help but feel a bit of pride at having gotten a man to break such a strict promise as celibacy. Someone as devoted as a true man of God.

“And you know what makes it all worse? Or better, I haven’t totally decided on that. The thing is...I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop thinking about us fucking in a grimy bathroom and I can’t stop thinking about how when I sucked this man’s cock he said I looked like I was worshipping him. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to do it all again. Truly worship him, this time.”

Heat was rushing into Kylo’s cheeks. Only one night over the span of weeks had he spent time reliving that night, so close to touching himself. He hadn’t, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t feeling like it now. With Hux so close and his voice so low as he confessed, words barely above a whisper. 

“I’ve dreamt about him. Of coming to the church and going to his office for a private counseling, only for it to end with me on my knees, sucking his cock beneath the desk.”

One of Kylo’s hands was tangled in his hair while the other brushed the Bible off of his lap, palm pushing against his groin as well as he could with the cassock covering it. 

“I’ve also dreamt of him fucking me at the end of the main hall just outside of this confessional.” Hux said it so casually, as if he were retelling a dream about going to the grocery store. “He’s always so nervous in the beginning, so worried that someone might be watching from the pews or the clouds. It doesn’t take a lot of reassurance before he’s pounding into me at the foot of the altar.”

Kylo was trying not to whimper. He had had the same dream not once, but multiple times. 

“I know that while masturbation is not quite a sin, we are advised to shun it. But I do confess that I touch myself when I think of this man. Beneath his robes and humble, quiet outer shell I know that he craves giving in to life’s sinful pleasures. And I would so like to be the one to push him over the edge. I think about falling to my knees in front of him as he reads for Mass and worshipping him right in front of the whole fucking town. I think about that and I can’t help but fuck myself and imagine it’s him.”

Kylo’s skin was burning under his robes. The confessional had already been warm but he could feel fresh sweat dripping down the side of his face as he closed his eyes and tried not to imagine everything as Hux described. It was a lost cause. His cock was throbbing as he palmed himself, dampening the front of his trousers with precome. 

Hux shifted on the other side of the grate, and when he spoke his voice was closer than before. Kylo didn’t look, but he must have leaned to get as close as he could to his ear.

“Father, do you think...will God forgive me for my sins? For giving in to such lustful thoughts over this man?”

Kylo huffed, a shiver wracking his spine as Hux’s breath tickled his ear. His words were thick as he whispered, “ _If we...confess our sins to God...he will keep his promise and do what is right...he will forgive us our sins and...and purify us from all our wrongdoing._ ” 

Hux said nothing at first, just watching Kylo as best as he could through the grate. Could he see how he had wrecked him just with his words? How quickly he had reduced him?

“Do you think God is watching?” he finally asked. “Specifically watching you, right now, as you try so hard to bring release to yourself in this _holy_ place?”

Kylo whined. He knew the answer and he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. He could only push his palm harder against himself, hand desperately trying to squeeze his cock.

“Do you think He likes what He sees? I think you’re putting on quite the show for Him.”

His hips bucked and he gasped. _This isn’t happening this can’t be please don’t make me do it please please please -_

“Thanks to the Lord for He is good…”

Kylo’s free had reached up to grasp the grated divider as his head tipped back. He was so close and all he could think was _please_. He wasn’t even sure what he was begging for now. 

“...for His mercy endures forever. Isn’t that right, Father?... _Kylo?_ ”

He felt lips brush his fingers where they crossed the divider and he came. His climax hit hard and fast, so much so that all that escaped him was a choked off gasp. There was silence in the booth as he finished, cock pulsing. 

“Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.....”

Hux paused. Even in his stupor Kylo knew there was more to the prayer, but he just sat there, breath heavy in his chest. His hand had slipped down from the grate and now his head was tipped against it; even then he refused to open his eyes to catch a glimpse of Hux.

“Oh, and I suppose I should mention I used the Lord’s name in vain the other day. A few times. Have a blessed evening, Father.” His voice was still just above a whisper but to Kylo it was both too loud and too far away. 

Before Kylo could even try to sit up and say anything, the door slid open on the other side and Hux was gone. He could vaguely hear the footsteps as they echoed away down the hall, and then the creak and slam of the heavy front doors. 

Then...quiet. Terrible, terrible, quiet. Even the soft sound of rain had faded away to nothing at some point. The only thing Kylo could hear now was the slowing thump of his heart in his ears.

He had to leave the confessional sooner or later. It was both the last place he wanted to be and the safest. If he were to leave immediately and run into someone on the way to his room, it would be beyond a doubt obvious that something was wrong with him. Aside from his flushed, sweaty face, he was sure that he was oozing an aura of guilt and shame. Nobody would think _oh he must have been running._ They would _know_ what he just did. 

Despite his fear of being caught, he couldn’t spend another minute in the stifling box. It was with an aching heart that he carefully scooped up the Bible from the floor where he had so carelessly pushed it. He clutched it close to his chest and whispered apologies as he pushed open the door and finally stepped out of the booth.

“ _Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am weak,_ ” he muttered as he walked. “ _O Lord, heal me, for my bones are vexed._ ”

Quiet continued to assail him as he walked quickly through the corridors leading to the rectory entry. The only sounds to counter it were his own stilted bits of Psalms and his too-heavy footsteps. 

“ _Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions. According to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness’ sake, O Lord. Look upon mine affliction and my pain, and forgive all my sins._ ”

So close. His room was so, so close. He could see the doorknob getting closer.

“ _Examine me, O Lord, and prove me; try my reins and my heart -_ ”

“Ben! Or, uh, F-Father!”

Kylo’s foot skidded loudly as he came to an abrupt halt. He was less than two yards from his room, so _of course_ Dopheld was out here. He turned, still holding the Bible close to his chest in one arm. 

He cleared his throat. “Can I help you?” 

Mitaka’s mouth opened and then shut. He was looking Kylo up and down. “Well, I was going to ask if you might want to join Unamo and I for dinner, but...you look a little ill. Are you feeling alright?”

The man’s eyes glanced down at Kylo’s free hand and he realized he was gripping his rosary as if his life depended on it. He didn’t remember reaching into his pocket to retrieve it. 

After a deep breath, Kylo shook his head. “Thank you for the offer, but no. I have some private business to attend to.”

Without waiting for a response he turned on his heel and made his way to his room. He usually locked it but he let out a sigh of relief when the door opened immediately. The last thing he needed was to fumble with the key and have Mitaka either offer to help or pry further. He wasn’t sure he would be able to keep what little composure he had if either scenario had happened. 

As soon as Kylo locked the door he stood for a moment, mind gone blank. Everything was quiet again and he was back in a safe place where he was sure he wouldn’t be found out. He wondered briefly if anything had even happened, if he had just imagined it all.

As soon as Kylo removed his cassock and was faced with the stained front of his trousers, he confirmed for himself that no, he did not imagine anything. Hux really had been in the confessional, and he really had said...those things. And Kylo had done...this. 

He fell to his knees by the side of the bed, face and hands against the covers. His grip tightened on the rosary once again.

“ _My flesh and my heart faileth, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever_.” 

He repeated it over and over, eyes closed and body relaxing. After some time he managed to pull himself up and onto the bed, crawling until he collapsed onto the single pillow and on top of the covers. He didn’t even bother trying to undress.

“ _And he said unto me, ‘My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’...I rather glory in my infirmities...I take pleasure in infirmities...in reproaches...in distresses for Christ’s sake...for when I am weak...then I am...strong._ ”

Kylo knew it was wrong to be feeling so calm and at peace now. Just minutes before he felt as though his entire resolve and his morals were crumbling around him. Yet now as he murmured softly to himself, he couldn’t help but feel that as terrible a thing as he had done, he would be fine. He was human, after all. 

And nobody else even knew it had happened. The secret was safe with him as long as he held it.

_I’ve faltered in faith, and I think I may have made another man do so as well._

A _temporary_ falter in faith, if anything. But that was okay because his strength would be made perfect through his weaknesses. Everything was fine. He was weak, but he would be stronger for it.

As Kylo slowly drifted off to sleep, drool just starting to leak from the corner of his mouth, he absentmindedly rolled over onto his side. He didn’t want to smother himself with his face down in the pillow like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so the original ficlet that spawned this terrible fic was [Bless Me Father](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6751606) and if i were to actually incorporate that into THIS fic it would be taking place sometime between this chapter and next. so i guess it would be considered chapter 3.5 or something. buuuut tbh im still deciding if that might be standalone or not since their relationship in that ficlet had a different tone to it than where its at currently.......we'll see. ill figure stuff out when i write the last chapter
> 
> so yeah!!! idk if people are even still following this but if you are thank you so much! kudos and comments always highly appreciated and i will be back with more sacrilegious stuff (in the next couple weeks i swear it wont be another year) ♥


	4. No Time Like The Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been weeks since Kylo has last seen - or rather, _heard_ \- Hux. Along with much reflecting on his conflicting personal thoughts and feelings with those of the Church, he nonetheless continues with his duties as head priest. He comes to the conclusion that a conversation with Hux is in order, and the opportunity comes through a chance encounter during a round of hospital visits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy its been a while folks. sorry for such a long wait, Life happened and its been A Lot. enjoi

Kylo had never been fond of hospitals. They smelled and felt like death and disease, and nobody was ever there for any good reason.

_No,_ he thought, shaking his head. That wasn’t true - and it wasn’t what he told the folks he visited. People came to hospitals to heal and receive life saving surgeries and treatments. Yes, many died within these walls. But there was also much hope and love and happiness. Rejoice, when doctors entered a room with a family crowding around a bed to deliver the news that the surgery was successful, that they had little to worry about now. Tears of joy and hands held tight, clenching with relief, when a couple is told that the cancer is in remission. Relieved laughter that’s turned to wheezes and aching middles when the children, heads smooth and hairless, are discharged to live with their families again, chemotherapy halted for the last time.

He was sitting on a bench in the courtyard, Bible resting on one thigh and a plastic cup of water held gently in his hand on the other. Several visits were done already and checked off his list. Just two left now, but he had time for a short break. He desperately needed fresh air and some sunlight.

The hot August sun was really doling out the heat, though. Kylo finished his water and set the cup beside him on the bench before tugging at his shirt collar. It really wasn’t a day for black button ups, but he needed to remain professional. And he couldn’t roll the sleeves up without exposing his tattoos. He was running low on makeup and couldn’t afford to go higher than his wrists...a quick stop at the pharmacy to pick up some more was on his mental checklist. 

“Excuse me, Father…?”

A young woman had approached, but she remained distant. Her hair was buzzed close to her head and she had at least six piercings on her face, with heavy stones in her stretched ear lobes. She was holding the hand of a toddler. 

“Can I help you?”

The woman stepped closer. Her free hand was tugging at the hem of her shirt; she was also wearing a dark heavy jacket despite the heat. “I don’t mean to bother you, but...my mom mentioned my dad is seeing a priest today. I was wondering if you’re him.”

Kylo stood, pulling again at his collar and clearing his throat. Fuck, it was hot. “What’s your father’s name?”

“Ramón.”

He peeked at the piece of paper folded up in the front of his Bible. “Ramón...uh, yeah. He’s my next appointment.”

She nodded quickly, looking away and chewing on her lip. Her brows were pulled taut. 

“Are you...is that...is there a problem?” 

“I haven’t seen or spoken to him in four years.”

Kylo followed her gaze down to the child. He was totally absorbed watching the bumblebees crawl in and out of the spotted jewelweed behind the bench.

“Oh. I see. Would you...like to see him with me? Or before or after?”

She nodded quickly, stepping forward. “Would you be able to prep him or something, before we see him? He and I have got some...unresolved shit. And he’s dying. And at the very least I want him to meet my son.”

“Of course.”

“Even if he and I don’t work things through, I’ll feel better knowing that he knows about him, you know?”

“I understand.”

She wiped her eyes and sniffed, her grip on the boy’s hand tightening. “Well, I’m...ready when you are. Father. Unless you were taking a break, then -”

“No, no, I’m fine.” He turned and picked up the plastic cup from the bench. “No time like the present, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Although he wasn’t too excited about cutting his break short, Kylo couldn’t help but let out a quiet sigh of relief to be out of the heat. He might not have been a fan of hospitals, but he was a fan of air conditioning. 

“So what’s your name?” he asked as they stepped into an elevator.

“Elena.”

“And your kid?”

“Theo.”

“He’s cute.”

“Thanks.”

For several moments the only sound was the soft whirr as the elevator ascended. It was one of the few times he couldn’t help but wish they played some kind of music in the small compartment. 

“You should go to Sephora or something and get some help picking a new shade of concealer. Doesn’t match your skin.”

Kylo felt heat rise to his cheeks. “Is it really that noticeable? I’m sort of embarrassed to say this shade was my attempt at matching for a second time. You’re not the first person to point it out.”

“It’s not super noticeable, but...you’re sweating, and the tugging on your collar smudged some of what’s on your neck.” She adjusted Theo where she held him close. “Mind me asking what tats you have?”

He cleared his throat. “Uh...I’ve got a lot. Let’s just say that.”

“Any piercings?”

“A couple, yeah.”

“Wow, sneaky priest. Really though...get some better concealer or foundation. And a decent setting spray. I hear hairspray works well enough too for some DIY shit.”

Kylo couldn’t help but self consciously touch his neck again as the elevator doors parted and Elena walked out. 

After getting some direction from a nurse, they arrived at the room. Elena hesitated and stood close to the wall. She put Theo down and held his hand tightly.

“So...thank you. I doubt this is going to go well, but I don’t care. I think having you talk to my father first might help, though. He has a lot of respect for priests.”

Kylo fidgeted with the Bible’s tassle. “I’m glad you trust me. Not so sure I trust myself,” he said, hoping his chuckle wasn’t too awkward.

Elena smiled. It was the first one during their whole interaction. Granted, it had only been a few minutes. But it was nice. 

“Thank you. Really.”

He wasn’t expecting the hug. Elena was much shorter than him, and it mostly ended up being her wrapping her free arm around his waist and pressing her cheek to his chest briefly. Kylo couldn’t remember the last time anyone had hugged him. Even a one armed hug was better than nothing.

Kylo sighed and squeezed her gently. He had a good feeling about this.

 

***

 

“Damn.”

He was in a bathroom now, leaning over the sink to look at his reflection in the mirror. Just as Elena had said, some of the concealer over his shirt collar had smudged. And in the too-bright LED light, he could see the shade was indeed just barely off. He doubted any of the patients he had visited noticed. That, or they were kind enough not to say anything. People were more accepting nowadays about tattooed priests. Well, some people. 

There wasn’t much he could do in the moment. Besides, with only one visitation left, it wasn’t too big of a deal.

Taking a deep breath, he turned on the sink and scrubbed his face with cool water. For some time he let it run, eyes closed as he leaned over and took deep breaths.

The last visit had gone well - at least, on his end. He ended his talk with Ramón on a good note. Tension seemed high, however, when he opened the door and brought in Elena and Theo. After being reassured that his presence wasn’t required, he ducked out. He left the address of the church with Elena in case things didn’t go as hoped and she wanted to speak again. 

Nonetheless, he couldn’t help but feel he could have done more. For Elena, or for Ramón.

He was still centering himself over the sink when the bathroom door opened off to his side. He didn't even bother to open his eyes when the person’s shoes made a skidding sound on the tile. Instead, he focused on the sound of the running water as he breathed. The person cleared their throat after several moments.

For the second time that day, it would seem his break was cut short. He hoped he didn’t look or sound too annoyed when he straightened; but he found his _Yes?_ cut short as soon as he turned and opened his eyes.

Hux. Standing there in a stark white jacket. For once, his composure somewhat frazzled.

“I...what a surprise.”

Kylo’s voice was suddenly thick. His heart rate had picked up already. “Yeah.”

The tap was still running. Kylo practically slapped the handle to shut it off before leaning back. His fingertips were nearly the color of the porcelain where they gripped the edges of the sink.

“This is...the hospital where you work? As a surgeon?”

Hux motioned to his jacket. “It is. I believe you have a business card of mine.”

“Must have lost it.”

“It happens.”

Kylo cleared his throat and resisted the urge to pull at his collar again. “I’ve been here dozens of times and...never seen you.”

Hux crossed his arms over his chest. “And you think I decided today to specifically stalk you? Into the bathroom?”

“Well, you do seem to have a habit of conveniently showing up in enclosed spaces when I’m conveniently alone. Maybe we could step into the stalls and have a spur of the moment confession.” Kylo surprised himself by how calmly the words left his mouth. 

“I have a consultation in ten minutes. So if you think we can finish in time, why not.”

Now Kylo felt his lip twitch. How could Hux be so bold? And shameless? Where was _his_ frustration?

“I don’t mean to sound like _that_ kind of priest, but...are you _actually_ a fucking demon? Are you _trying_ to ruin what I have going?” 

_Do you have any idea what you do to me?_ he wanted to yell. _How fucking frustrated you make me? How conflicted?_

Hux snorted. “You know, you’re really making it seem that everything that has happened between us has been because of _me_ and me alone. As if you didn’t physically _grab my arm_ to ask for my name before your first sermon. As if you didn’t text me less than hour after I gave you my number asking to meet _right that night_. As if you didn’t get smashed at the bar before I even had the chance to sit with you.”

Kylo’s pulse continued to climb, and he felt his heart fluttering excitedly. There it was - now Hux was getting a bit riled. Now the frustration was mutual.

“As if you made the decision to not stand up and walk out of the confessional before -”

The door to the bathroom swung open and Hux’s jaw snapped shut. He had stepped closer to Kylo with each sentence, nearly stepped right into his lap, with Kylo’s backside flush against the sink. If he leaned back anymore Kylo would practically be _in_ the sink basin. 

The man standing half through the doorway was a security guard.

“Sorry, looking for a patient.” He raised an eyebrow at the two. “Everything alright, Father?”

Kylo hadn’t realized just how flushed he had become. He cleared his throat before mumbling, “Yeah, uh...I’m fine. Thanks.”

The guard nodded before turning and leaving, the door closing with a click behind him. 

Hux sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose; he was still only inches from Kylo. 

“It’s apparent we have a few things to talk about. Unfortunately it’s the middle of my work day, and as I said, I have a consultation. I’m sure you’re also still busy, so I’ll leave you to it.”

Before Kylo had the chance to say anything else Hux had turned on his heel and gone. If his skin wasn’t still hot and had his heart been calm, he almost would have thought that maybe Hux had never walked in at all.

The throbbing bulge in his jeans certainly noted otherwise.

Fighting back a whine, Kylo pushed his palm against his groin. He desperately needed to touch himself, to rid himself of this before he finished with his work. The last thing he needed was to accidentally think of Hux during the visit and bring his erection back to life - best to kill that chance now. The Lazarus effect was not currently welcome.

Practically stumbling across the bathroom, Kylo pushed open a stall and fumbled with the lock. He would be quick and quiet about it. 

“ _I take pleasure in infirmities._ ” His voice hissed out through his teeth in a harsh whisper as he unbuckled his belt. “ _In reproaches. In distresses_.”

He certainly felt a conflicting mixture of pleasure and distress as he finally took himself in hand. Head tilting back, he let himself moan quietly. One hand pumped his cock while the other gripped his Bible close to his chest.

In the confessional, Hux had mentioned wanting to worship Kylo. Vanity being a subset of pride, being one of the seven deadly sins, Kylo knew it was wrong of him to want that. Doubly so since he was a priest. But he couldn’t help it. His whole life he had been a fuck up: he failed the expectations of his parents, of his uncle, of his peers. He had always had issues being at peace and balancing his impulses with his duties as the son of upstanding political citizens.

And now there was Hux. Hux wanted to worship him like no one else ever had. Of course, it was clashing horribly with his relatively newfound dedication to a life of faith. Several weeks had passed by since Hux’s confession, and he hadn’t even seen him at church. He couldn’t help but feel disappointment. For both Hux’s failing to show and his own hope that he would. 

He had failed the expectations of everyone before his life as a priest, and now - at least in secret - he was failing the expectations of the Church and of the people he lived and worked with. _It was bound to happen,_ he thought. And perhaps...well, wouldn’t this be part of God’s plan? Everything happens for a reason.

Tugging on himself, Kylo moaned. He knew it was wrong, all of it. Knew he would immediately feel guilty, then want it again, then feel guilty again. The cycle would continue. He was a bit of an emotional masochist. 

_Do you think He likes what He sees?_

“Oh, fuck,” Kylo gasped. He could see Hux so clearly in his mind, hair mussed and cheeks flushed as he teased at the tip of Kylo’s cock with his lips. Looking up at him through delicate lashes with eyes that had no right to be so green. “Oh, f-fuck me.”

He only just managed to close his palm over the head of his cock as he came, biting his wrist to muffle a groan. 

Huffing, Kylo took several moments to revel in the high of his orgasm - despite the fact he was slumped in a hospital bathroom stall. It wasn’t exactly his location of choice to get off in, but he supposed it was better than walking around with or accidentally popping a boner in public. 

The bathroom door opening jolted him out of his thoughts. His hand had already started to relax against his chest, and his startle caused the Bible to finally slip out and clatter onto the floor. 

Kylo bit his tongue so as not to curse as he yanked at the toilet paper roll, and attempted to clean his hand while reaching for the book at the same time. It was difficult not to cuss when he accidentally shoulder checked the paper dispenser as he bent over. Or when he nearly slipped off the toilet seat - he really was a bit too tall to comfortably bend about in the stall. 

Once his hand was wiped clean and he had quickly tucked himself back in, he tossed the paper and flushed the toilet. Pressing the Bible between his torso and underarm, he prayed that he didn’t look too disheveled as he made his way out of the stall.

The man at the urinal didn’t acknowledge him, thankfully. Kylo delicately placed the Bible on the counter as he washed his hands, splashed his face with cool water, and combed his hair into place with his fingers. Aside from the slight flush remaining on his cheeks and the tips of his ears, he looked well put together. 

He certainly didn’t look like he’d just gotten off in the stall. And certainly not to the thought of anything _sacrilegious_. 

Taking one last glance at the list of patients, Kylo took a deep breath and tucked his hand into his pocket, squeezing at the rosary. Not much more to go.

 

***

 

It had been an emotional day. For every positive visit, there were more negative ones to match. While he had been verbally reassured at the end of each - no matter the overall tone - that his presence had helped immensely, Kylo couldn’t help but feel that he hadn’t done enough. He hadn’t said enough, or the right things. He didn’t have the answers they were looking for or that they needed. And he couldn’t even blame it on being distracted by a certain someone. At least up until the last visit.

Now, he was sitting in a slightly uncomfortable chair, head tipped back against the wall with his eyes closed. The quiet murmur of voices in the room on the other side of the wall was almost enough to lull him to sleep, despite the crick in his neck.

He could feel himself drifting off just as the door to his left opened.

“Feel free to call me if you have any questions leading up to the procedure.”

Kylo’s lids fluttered open and he sighed a bit as he sat upright. Hux was holding open the door to his office, smiling as an older man and younger teen shuffled out. Kylo couldn’t help but notice the way the expression faltered when Hux turned and saw him. 

“Oh. Father. Again.”

“Hux.” 

“If you have time, I’m not seeing another patient for half an hour. Perhaps we can...chat.” 

Kylo stood, folding his hands over his Bible. “Actually, I should probably get back. But I do want to talk. About...a few things. I’m not sure when you have an opening in your schedule -”

“Tonight.”

“Really? I can...probably do that.”

Hux crossed his arms over his chest. “What exactly do you have in mind for this talk?”

Kylo shifted his feet. “I was...I guess I just wanted to...talk. About our, uh, relationship.”

“You seem anxious.”

“Yeah, well, I have a lot riding on me.” He lowered his voice and leaned forward. “I’m a priest that hasn’t exactly been faithful to my vow of celibacy. I’m a victim of lust and pride. I’ve desecrated holy spaces. No thanks to you.”

Smirking, Hux uncrossed his arms and stuck his hands in his pockets. He mimicked Kylo’s lean and whispered, “I suppose the correct thing to say would not be something along the lines of being proud.”

“I would say you’re on the right track.”

Both men leaned away from each other when a large family rushed past them, trailing behind several jogging nurses.

Kylo cleared his throat, shifting the Bible from one hand to the other. “So yeah. Uh, I guess...tonight, then. Does after nine thirty work? I’m a bit busy til then.”

Hux leaned back against the wall. “It does. Where would you like to talk?”

“I would rather it not be the church or rectory, for starters.”

“Understandable; my apartment will do. Can’t have us meet at a bar again or the conversation may never happen. At least not in a way I’m sure you’re intending.”

Kylo would have snapped but he bit his tongue instead. Hux wasn’t technically wrong, given past experience. 

“Alright, well. See you.”

“Have a pleasant rest of your day. Father.”

 

***

 

If Kylo had been tired at the hospital, he was exhausted now. The meeting about the following weekend’s fair fundraiser ran longer than planned, Mitaka was horribly ill yet insisted he could still function, and Kylo had received an email from his mother. She wanted to visit - alone, she stressed - and see how he was doing. Wanted to tell him in person how proud she was of him finally finding a proper path in his life; said she saw his picture in the newspaper about the fair. How she found a local paper when she lived several counties away, Kylo didn’t know. She had her ways.

He was almost nodding off where he sat, slumped slightly, on the bus. Aside from the hiss of the mechanics it was fairly quiet. And dark. And warm. With his leather jacket on top of his button up, and the way the air had cooled since the sun had set, it was almost perfect. 

A particularly hard bump jolted him out of his doze, and he saw he was close to his stop. Hux had texted his address shortly after he left the hospital, once Kylo realized he’d never found out and had to ask. 

His phone buzzed in his hand.

_I should let you know, my roommate might possibly be around while you’re here. And she may have company._

Kylo chewed at the inside of his cheek as he tapped out a response. _That’s not an issue._

The ellipses bubble appeared and disappeared several times before the text came in.

_I wasn’t implying it would be. Just thought you should know we may or may not have a bit of an audience. For our conversation, of course._

Huffing, Kylo looked away. Tried to ignore the whispers about a _good show_ in the back of his mind. 

Buses, he had found over the last several weeks, were excellent places for contemplation. Settling into a window seat and staring out as the busy inner town passed by and gradually thinned out into the countryside was peaceful. Even when it was busy and he ended up having company in the next seat over, he was usually able to achieve a bit of a meditative state, if not just enough of a mindful one. Some of the drivers had become familiar with him, and knew that it was a newfound habit of his to ride the whole route several times, hardly moving in his seat or looking away from the window.

It was on the bus that he did most of his thinking about Hux. About their...relationship. The conclusion he had come to was that it was slightly fucked up. He wouldn't deny that. It was certainly full of conflict - at least, on Kylo’s end. He wasn’t sure if he could say that Hux was conflicted about anything. At least not yet. 

And yet, despite all of his conflict and religious guilt, Kylo couldn’t help but think about what he’d thought in the bathroom stall earlier that day. _Everything happens for a reason. This was all a part of God’s plan_. Yes, he had been in the midst of climax when he was thinking about it. But didn’t God want people to be happy? And wasn’t pleasure a part of being happy? What about relationships? 

The Church was becoming more lenient as times changed, he knew that. There were rumours that they were possibly going to alter the celibacy vow. He understood why he had taken it at all, and why priests in the past had. Though, he couldn’t help but question its legitimacy nonetheless. He should be able to devote himself to God without restricting himself from relationships. Romantically or otherwise. 

Kylo turned from the window as the bus _dinged_ and slowed to a halt. Standing, he followed close behind the others clambering off. 

Over the weeks, a part of him had wondered if this was even a good idea. _This_ being the relationship, or the possibility of a deeper one. He didn’t know Hux well, but he was wildly attracted to him. Not only that, but Hux had even described scenarios Kylo had _dreamt_ about. _That_ was strange, but he couldn’t help but feel that perhaps that was a testament to the thought process of this all happening for a reason. That, weird (and vaguely creepy) as it was, he and Hux were deeply connected somehow. 

Or, Hux was just a strange man with a raging priest kink, Kylo was just a terrible priest, and this was all one tremendously weird string of coincidences. 

His phone buzzed again and Kylo paused on the sidewalk. 

_Have you eaten?_

He ignored the pinching feeling in his gut as he replied. _A bit. Why?_

_I left work later than expected so I’m cooking now._

Just the thought of food made the pangs worse. _I don’t want to impose on your meal._

_You won’t._

The ellipses bubble, like before, appeared and disappeared several times. Finally, it disappeared altogether. Kylo stared for several long moments, waiting to see if Hux was just taking his time. After a minute or so passed he tucked the phone in his pocket and continued. He was getting close anyways.

Kylo could feel his heart rate beginning to quicken the nearer he got. When he reached the steps leading up to the apartment, he swallowed. His throat felt a bit thick, and he felt warmer. He tried not to think about the slight tremble of his hand as he took out his phone again.

_I’m outside the building,_ he tapped out. 

Before he could ask if it was alright to head up, Hux replied.

_The door is unlocked, let yourself in._

Despite the fact that he was wearing the same clothes he had seen Hux in earlier, he couldn’t help but look down at himself and nervously adjust the hem of his shirt. Hux knew about his tattoos, so he wasn’t worried about tugging on his shirt collar. 

“It’s cool, you’re good,” he mumbled to himself as he opened the front door. He tried not to groan when saw the narrow, steep stairs leading up to Hux’s floor. “You’re good. It’ll be fine.”

At the top of the steps, he hesitated. The nameplate beside the door read _A.H._ and _C.P._ ; he recognized the lean handwriting as Hux’s. After leaving the hospital he returned to his room and dug around the drawers of his desk until he found the business card Hux had given him. He had confirmed that the hospital’s name on the card, and traced his finger over the elegant lettering. 

Running a hand through his hair, Kylo took a deep breath and sighed before reaching for the doorknob. _No time like the present._

The smell of food cooking hit him as soon as he opened the door. Damn, he really was starving. With the meeting running long and Mitaka puking in the bathroom just across the hall, he hadn’t really felt like eating earlier.

“Hux? I’m, uh...I’m here.” 

He waited for a moment and realized music was playing. Was it...dance pop? And there were multiple voices muddled in. Men and women.

After slipping off his shoes and hanging his jacket by the door, Kylo cautiously made his way through the apartment. He startled when a woman’s boisterous laugh rang through the other sounds. For a moment he forgot that Hux had a roommate, and his stomach turned at the thought of him having company. He took a moment to stop and shake his head, scrubbing his face before resuming, following the smell of cooking. 

Walking into the kitchen doorway, Kylo noticed several things at once. 

First, Hux. In a t-shirt. And sweatpants. His hair looked damp, like he’d just gotten out of the shower. He was padding between the stove and counter. Barefoot. 

Second, a woman. A really tall one with platinum blonde hair. Holy shit, she was tall. And Kylo didn’t think it was just because she was wearing heels that gave her several inches.

Thirdly, Hux and his roommate were not the only people around. The kitchen was connected to a small living room, and there were at least seven or eight other people standing around talking and laughing. That was where the music was coming from. They didn’t seem to notice Kylo hovering. 

For a split moment Kylo considered backing out. He was here to talk with Hux, not mingle with a bunch of strangers.

Just as he was about to turn on his heel, Hux glanced up from the stove. 

“Father!”

Kylo raised his hand in greeting and stepped back into the hall, though it didn’t make much difference with the volume of the music. Hux turned off the stove and moved to follow.

“Ren, I’m so sorry about them.” He scrubbed a hand down one side of his face as he gestured with the other. “They were supposed to have left by now.”

Kylo couldn’t help but chew his lip a bit as he nodded. Hux looked so different like this, so...casual. That wasn’t to say Kylo didn’t expect Hux to have down time like anyone else, but in every interaction he had been dressed as if he’d come from work. He also couldn’t help but think of how similar Hux’s mussed up hair looked to the night in the bar’s bathroom. 

Clearing his throat and pushing the thought aside, he tugged on his sleeve. “It’s fine. Should I...come back in a bit once they’ve left?”

“No, no, they’re leaving soon. Feel free to have a seat in the kitchen. I didn’t have a chance to change, so please excuse me for a moment.”

He watched as Hux started off down the hallway. Once he had disappeared into the bedroom, Kylo hesitantly made his way into the kitchen. A glance at the stove and he saw that Hux was making breakfast for dinner. His stomach growled painfully, and he was mildly glad the music hid it.

Though the music was loud, it wasn’t obnoxiously so. Kylo glanced over his shoulder at the group of people before settling onto the same stool he’d sat on the last time he had been in the apartment. He didn’t recognize anyone. That was a bit of a relief. 

“You must be the priest.”

Despite her height and shocking platinum hair, Kylo hadn’t even noticed Hux’s roommate saunter over from where she had been leaning against one of the windows. There was something about her narrowed gaze that made it feel almost predatory. She had an accent like Hux, each word punctuated with a strange sense of sophistication that his own words lacked. It didn’t help her overall tone. 

“And you must be the roommate.”

She moved to sit on the edge of the counter, crossing her arms. “Oh, so you know about me.”

“Hux has mentioned you in passing.”

“In good context, I hope.” She took a moment to look him up and down. Her eyes were a pale blue, almost grey. Everything about her was lacking saturation - save the bright red lipstick she wore. “Hux has mentioned you. Though not in passing. In quite a lot of detail, actually.

“I’m Phasma, by the way. Pleasure to finally meet you.”

Kylo couldn’t help but swallow thickly as he took her outstretched hand. She had a firm grip. Short clipped nails painted a shiny silver. 

“Ben Solo. The pleasure is all mine.”

Her hand retracted and she clicked her tongue, legs swinging absentmindedly over the edge of the tall counter. “Interesting, he called you Ren. Or Kyle?”

Oh, so Hux had shared that. “ _Kylo_ Ren. That is my preferred name, but I keep it between me and...some people.”

The corner of Phasma’s lip curled up. “Well, I do hope that it isn’t an issue if I join the ranks of _those_ people.”

Kylo opened his mouth to answer when Hux reappeared on the other side of the counter. He had slipped on dark jeans and a dress shirt and was buttoning the collar. His hair was not gelled into place as it usually was, but it was brushed.

“Ah, I see you two have met.”

“Indeed we have.” Phasma slipped off the counter, heels clacking against the tile. She rounded the corner and placed a hand on Kylo’s shoulder. “He seems a real gentleman.”

Glancing up at the clock on the far wall, she sighed dramatically. “Well, I do think it’s time we head out. Best to start pre-gaming early, before the bars get too packed. I’ll leave you two alone.” 

The hand on Kylo’s shoulder squeezed briefly before Phasma turned and walked away. He chewed on his lip and focused on staring down at his clasped hands as the music was turned off and the group of people slowly meandered into the hall and out of the apartment. A quick glance and he caught Phasma’s eye as she looked over her shoulder. Her lips puckered in a mock kiss and then she was gone. 

The absence of the music was almost awkward. Kylo watched as Hux turned back to the stove and reignited the burners. It wasn’t long before the bacon that had previously been cooking began popping away again. 

Kylo’s stomach growled almost immediately at the scent of the frying meat. He winced.

“I’m taking that sound as confirming you having fibbed earlier. You didn’t eat, did you, Father?”

Picking at a scratch in the counter with his nail, he sighed. “I didn’t have time. Churchly duties got the best of me. And a grossly ill curate. Lost my appetite for a bit there, to be honest. I think if I tried to eat anything I would have joined him at the toilet’s side.”

He could see Hux’s shoulders shake as he chuckled. When he turned to lean back against the countertop, he looked both pained and amused.

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but I suppose I should be grateful. Since it means we get to share a meal together.”

Kylo swallowed, hoping his rising blush wasn’t too obvious. “Yeah. True.”

He looked away after several moments of eye contact, clearing his throat and sitting up straight as he took a deep breath. He let it out slowly, still looking at anything but Hux. He was here to _talk,_ damn it, not get flustered from a single smile like some teenager. 

“Aside from the ill curate, how goes your churchly duties?” 

Hux was still facing him, but examining his fingernails now. Kylo returned to picking at the same counter scratch as earlier. Small talk... _ugh._

“The annual fair-fundraiser is next week, so I’m scrambling to organize everything for that. For whatever reason the Archbishop has chosen _my_ parish to visit. And during the fair, of all times.”

“Congratulations. That’s quite the honor.”

Kylo scrubbed his face with his hands. “It is. And I am honored. But I’m stressed to the fucking moon and back. My mother will also be visiting simultaneously. I don’t know who I’m more afraid of making a poor impression on.”

Hux chuckled again. Kylo hadn’t actually heard him _laugh_ yet. 

“I can relate. Aside from upcoming events, anything else of interest happen lately?” he asked, turning the tongs in his hand. 

“You know, that’s funny you should ask. I did have a pretty horrifying experience in confession a few weeks ago.”

Hux’s movements stopped briefly. His eyes flicked up to Kylo’s. 

“I think I briefly mentioned it at the hospital. You only kind of acknowledged it.”

“Ren -”

“Your bacon is gonna burn.”

Hux’s brows pinched for the briefest of moments before he turned and began padding around the kitchen once again, gathering a plate and a paper towel to dab away the grease. 

Kylo watched as Hux grabbed a carton of eggs from the fridge and began whisking them. The apartment was quiet again, save for the sound of the fork clicking against the bowl and then the sizzle of the eggs as he poured them into the pan. It wasn’t long before plates were brought down from one of the cupboards and the food distributed. Juice was poured into glasses and then placed along with the dish on the counter. 

Hux pushed one of the plates and glasses over to Kylo as he sat down on the stool opposite him. For a moment he simply sat there. It was only after Kylo performed the sign of the cross that he picked up his fork and began to eat.

Several minutes passed in silence. The last time Hux had cooked it had been a complex scramble with vegetables and various herbs and a bit of extra meat besides the bacon. This time it was as simple as scrambled eggs could be. Nonetheless, Kylo had to put in the effort not to scarf it down at an unseemly rate. Just as when he previously shared a meal with Hux, he was ravenous. Although, Hux hadn’t actually eaten then. He had just watched Kylo. 

Now he seemed to be avoiding eye contact. The few times he glanced up from his plate and caught Kylo’s eye, his gaze flitted away. He wasn’t blushing, but his free hand was a bit fidgety. It also seemed to be seeking out any available scratches along the counter to pick at.

Despite trying to slow down how quickly he ate, Kylo still managed to finish before Hux. He pushed his plate to the side and cradled the glass of juice in his hands. 

“Thank you for the food.”

“You’re quite welcome.” Hux’s tone was flat.

Finally taking the time to really look at Hux as he absentmindedly ate, Kylo could see just how tired the man was. Hux was naturally pale but there was a certain pallor to his skin that Kylo didn’t think was from the kitchen lighting. The last time Kylo had been here Hux hadn’t eaten, but he had been given the opportunity to see Hux expertly display his skills with a knife. Not only had he not chopped anything this time around, but his movements as he picked and poked at the food on his plate were anything but refined and precise. 

Kylo was just raising his glass to his lips when Hux set his fork down with a clatter, sighing and scrubbing a hand down his face.

“Ren, I -”

“It’s fine.”

Hux, no doubt peeved at being interrupted for the second time, froze.

Kylo took another sip of the juice and then shrugged. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And, while what you did was both horrifying and blasphemous given the circumstances…don’t worry about it."

Hux’s brows were pulled taut. “You...are joking.”

“No. You haven’t seen it, of course, but I think I’ve been overreacting. I am a priest and I’ve been...having trouble keeping my shit together as the Church dictates, but...I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Riding a lot of buses. Lying awake at night - you know, _thinking._ And I’m not upset with you anymore.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why not?”

Hux was sitting up rigidly with his hands in his lap. Kylo imagined they were clenched. After a moment, Hux pressed his lips together and looked away. 

It dawned on Kylo, then. “Oh. You _want_ me to be upset with you.”

“That’s not -”

“You _want_ me to crumble. And then attack you for it. Is that what you’re doing? Inciting me to get some kind of shitty reaction?”

Hux’s cheeks were flushed. When he spoke he was nearly blurting. “And if I said you weren't too far off? What then?”

For just a moment, with his now-mussed up hair and indignant tone, Hux didn’t seem like an accomplished, refined, surgeon. With the well fitting button up, there was no mistaking the slightness of his shoulders where they were pulled close to his equally slight torso. His plush lips were pressed together, thinning them into a line.

“I would ask what the hell prompted this. Do you do this to everyone you want to get fucked by or just the priests? Or am I special?”

The resigned line of his lips remained only for a moment before they relaxed and Hux sighed. “You’d be correct in assuming I do this to others. Priests, specifically.” 

“I’m also going to assume that there’s a reason for that. Or maybe you’re just kinky? No judgement.”

He could see Hux was fighting the urge to frown too openly. “I’m going to be honest.”

“That’s what I would prefer.”

Hux took a moment to straighten his posture and brush a lock of hair across his forehead. At first his eyes remained trained on the table, but when they flicked up to meet Kylo’s his gaze was hard.

“Alright - I was made to go to boarding school when I was a teenager. My father thought it would whip me into shape, despite his not being religious and it being heavily so. He admired the way the Church had placed itself in the center of authority. The way it managed to seemingly force anyone and thing into submission. He believed the priests and nuns would be the authority figures I was seemingly lacking - apparently his physical and verbal abuse wasn’t enough, even to him.”

Kylo knew boarding school well. His parents had also sent him away for a short time when he was a teenager. He had been expelled within the first semester, to no one’s surprise. Although his uncle had tried his best to keep him in line, it hadn’t been enough. After Luke had given up his parents had fielded the choices of either a militant boot camp or him getting kicked out to live on his own. It was only after overhearing a conversation about priests in a bar that he decided to give the clergy a chance. 

“There was a priest. Young. I was seventeen, and he was only a few years older than me. We developed a relationship.” Hux’s gaze was falling. “At first I believed he was the only person who really understood me - we shared similar family backgrounds and abusive fathers. Our relationship as student and counselor...developed further. Despite his knowing it was wrong. For a few reasons.”

He was silent for several moments before realizing he’d stopped. Clearing his throat, he went on.

“It was all a lie. I thought he loved me, but he revealed to me one day that my father had paid him a pretty price to attempt to seduce me once he realized that I wasn’t...improving.”

“You say attempt.”

Hux didn’t seem bothered by Kylo’s interjection. Instead he just inhaled deeply and nodded, gazing off to the side. His lids were heavy but he hadn’t blinked in some time.

“Yes. It was only supposed to be an attempt... an act. My father had his suspicions about my proclivities for men. He’d never caught me, and this was supposed to finally be his chance. I was supposed to be revealed to be a disgusting sodomite and then punished and be ‘saved’ by the school or some other institution, but it didn’t happen that way. 

“The priest _did_ fall in love with me. When we finally fucked for the first time after months of subtle courting, he didn’t expose me as he was supposed to. Instead...he exposed himself. Told me all about how he hadn’t meant to hurt me, to manipulate me. That he realized how wrong what he’d done was. Told me how sorry he was. How much he actually loved me.”

Hux was sucking on his teeth now. His eyes were still distant and glassy, but his brows had furrowed. 

“I ran away immediately. Right after I pushed him down a flight of stairs.”

Taking a deep breath yet again, Hux finally blinked several times and looked back to Kylo. He cleared his throat and straightened his back and neck. 

“So now I like to fuck priests and fuck their resolve. Any questions?”

Sometime through the story Kylo had leaned forward, resting his cheek against his palm. He could feel the tension in his face as his frown deepened. 

“That’s...really fucked up. Both what happened and what you've been doing.”

“Those aren't questions.”

Scrubbing his face with his hands, Kylo pressed his fingertips against his lids. “Okay, uh...what happened after that? How did you go on to become a surgeon if you pushed a priest down a flight of stairs?”

“Simple, really. I waited until I was eighteen and then threatened to sue the boarding school for abuse on multiple levels. They cleared my record so long as I let them be and I moved on with my life. After I had my position as a surgeon secured, I exposed them. They were shut down several years ago.”

Kylo’s head was starting to hurt. This was a lot. _Hux_ was a lot. A force to be reckoned with.

“When you’ve spoken about your father, you seemed...very amicable. I never would have gotten the impression that you have such a strained relationship.”

Hux was distracting himself by carefully rearranging the position of his previously discarded fork on the plate, cleaning up the stray bits of eggs the utensil had cast off from its fall to the dish. 

“Well, that’s because I don’t often openly talk about what he did to me. He’s dead now.”

“You’ve spoken of him in the present tense before. Dare I ask if you also pushed him down a flight of stairs? This isn’t confession, but I won’t tattle.”

The corner of Hux’s lip turned up, but he wasn’t looking at Kylo. “A slip of the tongue I suppose...that present tense. And, no. All I can say is that he got what he deserved.”

_Okay. Comforting._ “And the priest? Is he…?”

“Alive. Can’t say if he’s well.” Hux was no longer smirking, but his tone was too neutral. He still wasn’t looking up.

“So I...was just another priest you wanted to fuck over. Because _you_ got fucked over.”

“In the beginning.”

“So you’re implying that’s not the case anymore.”

“I suppose so.”

“When did that change come about?”

“I don’t know.”

He watched several vague emotions flit across the other’s face. Finally, Hux’s eyes settled on something fairly intense.

“Do you believe in metaphysical concepts, Ren?”

“That depends. I _am_ a priest. It’s kind of my job to believe in things that science doesn’t necessarily support.”

“Do you believe that it’s possible for people to _know_ each other before they even meet? To already have an established connection that they don’t even know exists at first? I can’t help but wonder if perhaps that was what dragged me out to church that day, after quite some time of not engaging in...those practices of mine. Why out of all the passers by entering the church to hear your sermon you locked onto _me._ ”

Kylo repressed the shivers threatening to wrack his spine - he had had the same fucking thoughts. Regardless, he cleared his throat and tried to seem surprised. “You don’t think it was just simple attraction? You do have startlingly orange hair, too. Hard to miss.”

Hux shot him a bothered look. “Perhaps. But maybe there was more to it. I’m a surgeon and I have a keen interest in science, but I can’t help but wonder.”

Snarky comments aside, Kylo couldn’t help but wonder also. He thought back to that day, to all the people he had greeted in passing, to the way he just _had_ to know Hux’s name out of everyone. His immediate attraction, the completely _visceral_ reaction he’d had to Hux simply brushing his neck with his thumb. But especially so to the dreams he had had that afternoon, and the way Hux had repeated the words nearly verbatim when Kylo was fucking him in the bar bathroom. He’d thought about that particular point often. 

_I think God likes a good show. Likes to see us play._

He shivered and swallowed, voice thick when he spoke. “So you’re saying that we were drawn together by some kind of...I don’t know, _force?_ By God?”

A vague shrug. “I suppose. Or, as you said, it could simply be regular physiological attraction. And I could be blowing this all far out of proportion because I was emotionally damaged and would like to believe that _now_ I have some kind of idea about why things are happening. Why I’m feeling the way I am. Even if it is a far fetched theory.”

Yes, it was pretty far fetched. And yet….

Kylo drew in a deep breath. “Regardless, I guess this brings us to a central question: possible universal influence aside...what...is our relationship coming to? After all this...bar bathroom fucking, confessional...dirty talk.”

When Hux said nothing, Kylo got up and rounded the counter, the wobbly stool screeching as he stood. Hux tilted his head up just enough to look at him through his lashes - defiantly, not even remotely demurely - and kept his back rigid. 

Kylo fought the urge to cross his arms over his chest, instead opting to keep his stance open. His throat clicked when he swallowed and he could feel his one fist clenching as he placed the other hand flat on the edge of the counter. A small part of him was itching for the comfort of his rosary beads, but they were in his jacket where it hung by the door. 

“After a hell of a lot of mulling over, _I’ve_ come to the conclusion that the guilt I felt about our interactions was due to my own personal conflicting feelings about loyalty to the Church and loyalty to what _I_ want. _I’ve_ come to the conclusion that...that I guess I would like to continue seeing you.” Hux’s eyebrows went up and Kylo spoke faster. “Regardless of how shitty some of what you said and did was from a religious standpoint. Because had we met and all of this happened just before I became a priest I would have been all over it without a second thought. Getting piss drunk and fucking in a bar’s bathroom? Gross, but somehow hot. Dirty talk in a confessional? Obscenely rude, but worth getting possibly struck down by a heavenly lightning bolt.

“And now knowing what caused you to act that shittily, I...feel a bit of relief, actually. I can’t express how sorry I am about what happened to you, but I understand why you did what you’ve done. And I could tell that earlier you were feeling guilt as well. Because now I’m just not some random priest you want to fuck over. Right?

“‘ _I’ve faltered in faith, and I think I may have made another man do so as well._ ’ That’s what you told me in confession. You went on to say that you didn’t feel guilty - as any rational person should - and that you actually were a bit proud of that accomplishment. But now...I don’t think your previous statements hold true. And _you_ know this.”

A flush had risen over the collar of Hux’s shirt, and his cheeks were a hot pink. His chest was fluttering, barely noticeable, and his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. The previously defiant look in his eyes had faded, pupils wide now. 

Kylo took a step forward. Hux drew in a breath. Another step forward. Hux’s lips just barely parted. 

“‘ _But I do confess that I touch myself when I think of this man._ ’”

The hand on the counter slipped off slowly but not completely, several fingertips remaining just barely on the edge. The digits that hung off were just inches from Hux’s thigh.

It was Hux’s throat that clicked audibly this time. “That’s quite the memory you have.”

“Hard to forget words like those, don’t you agree?”

Kylo had already been in Hux’s space, nearly brushing against his knees, but one final step - and with Hux’s automatic parting of his legs where he sat - had him practically in his lap. He removed his hand from the counter completely now, fingertips ghosting over Hux’s jeans. 

“Don’t do something you’ll regret, Father.”

He could feel the heat of Hux’s skin radiating through his pants when he smoothed a palm over his thigh. “Everything is a part of God’s plan, and God wants us to be happy. The Church might not want this, but God’s intentions are above their interpretations. The Church might look down on us indulging in the pleasures of the flesh, but God...I think God likes a good show. Don’t you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks yall so much for sticking around,,, your comments and kudos mean the world to me considering both myself and this fic are just a trainwreck when it comes to proper timing. i hope this chapter wasn't too stumbling and clunky with the pacing, and i also was a little worried about the characterization when it came to kylo's transition between inner conflict and acceptance of everything. since transitions arent always smooth and dont always make sense IRL, im kind of hoping that it works here...and that maybe it fits this AU of Kylo's where he's just One Big Bundle of Conflict, yknow? idk, life is abrupt and weird and sometimes we cant really keep up with it so. yea.
> 
> if life cooperates im hoping to put out the final chapter in the next couple of weeks....so i hope everyone is up for a little more and that the conclusion is satisfying! poor kylo wyd.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading guys!! comments are very highly appreciated! hmu at my sideblog [ndkylo](http://ndkylo.tumblr.com) on tumblr and shoot me prompts if u want!
> 
> **EDIT so I changed my sideblog URL to ndkylo and I also apologize for the update taking so long,, I kind of killed my laptop display so I only have my phone...I'm trying guys I'm sorry


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